


Waking up to you

by Aautumnstyles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Bravery, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harming Harry, Shameless Smut, larry stylinson - Freeform, supportive Louis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 15:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2626952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aautumnstyles/pseuds/Aautumnstyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Louis is living a lonely, boring life at the coast of France, pretending he isn't trying to escape his past. Pretending he isn't running from the memories. Because he isn't, okay? And that is that. Until, one day, a certain curlyhaired, greeneyed boy silently eases his way into Louis trained mind without even doing a thing. </p>
<p>Or where Louis and Harry are both damaged souls, running like hell, and their paths cross the day Louis curiosity gets the best of him and he just *has* to take a closer look at the boy sitting like a statue at the end of the pier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waking up to you

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is my first fanfic I've ever posted anywhere. It's not exactly a work of art, and it's not finished yet, but I just thought, why not. 
> 
> I obviously do not own the boys, this is purely a work of fiction and I do not claim that any of this is actually rooted in reality.

LOUIS POV  
I woke up slowly to the ever-annoying sound of the 'marimba' pulsing from my phone. I shut the alarm off and, for a moment I just lay there, silently taking inn the feel of another monday morning. I decided it was time to get moving. Another day, new possibilities...right? Right. My apartment was cooled by the AC, and goosebumps rose in my skin as I made my way to the kitchen. I looked out the window and glanced towards the horizon. The condense blurring the air was like a blueish vail over the ocean, telling me it was scolding hot today. Great.  
After my quick morning-coffe I threw on a fresh white shirt and subtly styled my sunbleached hair and checked out my bronzed skin in the mirror, silently wishing for my reflection to show someone else for a change. I looked like I always did, though. Kind of tired, a hint of dark shadows underbeath my cruelean irises, a splash of annoying freckles on the bridge of my nose...thin lips that were always a little too pink to be acceptable for a 24 year old guy. I sighed, and regretted even pausing to look in the mirror in the first place. My phone vibrated in my pocket just as I strolled out the door. 

"Bon Jour, Louis! " The familiar voice rung from the speakers.

"Hey, B. I'm on my way, promise." 

"S'okay,vous n'êtes pas si tard, mon ami.!"

I gave my boss a silent 'thank's, see you in a bit.' And jogged the familliar route to the promenade, thinking my boss always let me off the hook too easy. Once I reached the bar I sent B off and eased into my daily routine of the life in the small beach-bar, situated in a quiet small town on the south coast of France. I'd moved here trying to live up to my parents expectations of me bonding with my ethnical roots. And to get as far away from my u-NO! not gonna go there nu-uh. I deliberately shut down my mind and went back to focus on the smoothie I was blending. Anyway, so far so good...though I admidt moving to a foreign country all alone did get boring and lonely. Just as the usual depressiveness set in, my first customer for the day arrived. 'Saddle up, Lou' I solemny encouraged myself. Damn it was hot today.

 

HARRY POV

It was a bad day. I instantly knew this as I woke up to stillstanding air in a clammy apartment. The AC must've broke during the night. Again. I quickly rolled out of bed and hurried to take a cold shower. Just as I strolled out of the bathroom I paused as the hall-mirror caught my reflection. I sighed again, and solemnly reminded myself to control my curls before I left the apartment. As it turned out it was extremely humid and hot today, and I decided I could put of grocery-shopping until later. I contemplated going to the beach, and realised how tragic it was to go there by myself.

I ended up going there anyway. 

I liked it at the beach. Always had. Somehow it was soothing to just sit there by myself and people-watch while the occational wave hit the banks. As long as the people I were watching kept a safe distance, that is. The only downside was that this activity gave me way too much time to think and brood over my life. My past life, my present life, my...future. I gulped. I forcefully willed all the painfull facts down my throat and locked them away. far away. I don't know how long I sat there for, but suddenly I noticed the beach was starting to clear out, and the sky reveiled a stunning vanilla-twilight that always took my breath away. I looked at my wristwatch.  
I wore it on the inside of my wrist. Most people found that strange, but I liked it better that way. It made me feel like I kept my time to myself, close against my pulsepoint, close to my heart. The watch showed 21:35 PM. Damn it. I'd zoned out. Again. That's the third time since last monday. Get a bloody grip, H. Well, no point in moving now, I thought, and settled my gaze on the horizon once again. 

 

LOUIS POV

I fairly enjoyed my work at the bar, I admidt. But today it had been unusually bleak, due to the constant overhanging danger of a heatstroke. I was so relieved when the day was finally over and hurried through the closing-routine. When I was done, I leapt down on the beach and threw myself into the cool mediteranian sea. The water had never felt so good. I started swimming far out in the bay, along the pier. There were no people in sight. Workday and all. When I reached the end of the pier, I carefully climbed the jagged edge until I stood on the concrete. for a moment I admired the view in silence. I was about to walk back when I suddenly became aware of a figure sitting at the end of the boardwalk, a few meters to the right. The boy seemed not to have agknowledged my presence, and was gazing to the horizon.  
I felt a bit creepy, but somehow I didn't want this guy to notice me as I glanced over his appearance. He had brown, curly hair, and a very nice build, long and lean. Toned. That much was visible through his thin jumper. I didn't usually get caught up in studing people this way, but there was something about him catching my attention. Maybe it was his posture, sagging slightly, or the way his hair curled wildly in the humid air, the way he was twisting his hands over and over as if he didn't know where to put them... After a good minute of staring at the ovlivious stranger, I finally felt a bit too nuts and snook of undetected, albeit feeling a bit silly for staring at a oblivious stranger in the first place. 

 

HARRY POV 

I realized I had ended up zoning out again, as I twisted my wrist to check the time and it read 00:30 PM. I cursed and made my way back down the pier and down on the cool sand. I felt a bit nauseous as I walked home, as my usual paranoia set in. The toughts I'd seemingly locked away had broken free during the last few hours and I was drained. After I fell into bed that night I slept until tuseday had both come and gone. 

Wednesday rolled along and I got out of my bed in a daze. I looked at myself in the mirror again. Over the last two months I'd lost weight. I knew that. Could see that. My hipbones were pronounced, so were my collarbones. I let my hand glide over my butterfly-tattoo that covered a large portion of my stomack. Some would say it was stupid, that I'd regret that, but I loved it in a way. A sharp memory pierced through my head as my fingers grazed another portion of inked skin, on the back of my arm. Two hands shaking. The symbol that was supposed to stand for unity, but the meaning of which had completely changed for me that night. I couldn't look at myself anymore. I threw on a shirt and shorts and went out the door to escape the sudden clostrophobia creeping up my throat.

I ended up in the sand this time. My toes barely reached the border where the sand was dark and wet as the water washed over it. The beach was more crowded today, as it was only late afternoon. I prayed it would clear out soon, and forced myself to not let my thoughts slip away into the nightmare that was my life, and just stared blankly ahead. A while into this, I'm not sure how long, my eyes rested on a couple. A tan guy with black hair carrying his giggly girlfriend out into the bay. His hands clasped around her upper arms and he dunked her under the surface without a warning. The guy laughed loudly. Suddenly my insides felt as if frozen. Because...that laugh. That hair. Black and shiny... he reminded me so much of...of *him*. Scarily so. I fled the beach.

 

LOUIS POV 

I was in the middle of closing the bar when I caught sight of him. A dark head of curly hair and a long, lean body walked hurriedly through the sand, and up on the pier. My eyes fixed on his back as he almost jogged down it, to come to a rest at the end where he sat down, almost heavily. It was hard to tell from where I stood, but it seemed like the curly head was laid in two big hands. I watched him while I went on with closing the bar, and through fifteen minutes straigh he never moved an inch. The guy was like a statue carved of marble. 

I don't quite know what it was, don't quite know how to explain myself, but something made me swim to the end of the pier, like last time. I climbed the rock and found myself a few feet away from the boy, once again. I didn't say anything. I just ruffled up my hair and sat down, watching him out of the corner of my eye. If he knew I was there, he didn't show it. I studied his muscular back and arms through his shirt. His curly hair was shiny and fresh, albeit a little wild. His face was hidden in his hands, so I couldn't get s glimpse of it. I don't know how long I sat there for, eyeing the boy who seemed to have become part of the stone he was sitting on. I knew I should get home. But I didn't want to. I wanted to see his face. 

After what seemed an eternity, he stirred. His large hands fell down limply, and he raised his head. I studied his profile, praying he wouldn't notice. His nose had a good slope, and bottomed out into plump, pouting lips, his eyebrows looked strong and strait, his eyes I couldn't quite see in the dull light. Then, suddenly, he turned sharply towards me, and I could see him jump. I tore my eyes away at once, and pretended I hadn't been staring at him. My heart thundered in my chest. I knew I was acting crazy. This was stupid. So unlike me. I never got into these akward situations, god damn it. I dared to shoot a quick glance in his direction, to find him eyeing me questionably. His eyes were large. And green. Very green. They were rimmed red as if he'd been crying. I immediately felt bad for disturbing his privacy due to my stupid curiosity. I ducked my head apolagetically, and turned away again. My heart was still pumping furiously. 

 

HARRY POV

I don't know how long I'd sat there for, cursing myself for letting myself remember *him*, cursing myself for letting salty water escape behind closed eyelids, just cursing myself in general, really, when suddenly I sensed a precence behind me. I tried to ignore it, but my paranoia got the best of me and I had to look up. 

I whipped my head around to lock eyes with the bluest gaze I'd ever seen.

Then the blue was gone and the boy had hurriedly turned away and looked terribly ashamed to have been looking at me. I didn't know if I should feel frightened or not (I probably should). I glanced over the stranger to get a sense of who I was dealing with. He was definitely shorter than me, though with a very fit and lean frame. His hair was straight and sandy brown. His skin was sunkissed. And as I'd allready witnessed, he had extremely blue eyes. I got another gimpse of them when he eyed me once more, still seeming embarrased or ashamed, I wasn't quite sure which. 

He was really pretty. This was the first time I'd bothered to study anyone and make up an opinion on their apearance at all. He really was *very* pretty, though. I didn't know what to do. Or if I should do anything at all. I felt anxious to get home, in case he was s psyko. At the same time I was intrigued at this stranger who'd studied me without a word for god knows how long. I was lost in bewilderment. so I stayed where I was. Not moving an inch. 

 

LOUIS POV 

I was unsure what to do with myself. The boy had given me a brief look-over, and then turned his green gaze back to the sea. I decided to do the same. I know I must've come across as quite creepy. And this guy didn't seem to be in too good shape. 'What are you playing at, Lou, just go the fuck home', I told myself, and stood carefully. The boy flinched the second I moved, as if I frightened him. 

I coughed lowly and pressed out a:

"Sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, I swear I'm not a stalker or anything...I'll just...go now." 

 

HARRY POV

I jumped as the guy made a move to stand up. The paranoia was back and I cursed myself again for sitting here by myself at nighttime. Goosebumps rose in the back of my neck and crept down my arms. Then he said something very lowly so I had to strain to hear him. 

"Sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you, I swear I'm not a stalker or anything...I'll just...go now." He stuttered a bit, and his voice sounded very small and harmless. I felt my muscles relax a bit, and let myself turn towards him again to give him a quick nod as if to say 'thank's, no harm done.' Or something like that, anyway. It sounded like his breath hitched when he turned to leave. Strange. He was strange, I thought. Strange, and certainly very pretty. 

 

LOUIS POV

I let myself into my apartment and went to make a cuppa at once (because there is no problem in the world that tea can't solve). My head was all over the place for no particular reason. It was all a mess of post-work weariness, overheat, curly hair, saltwater, stupid Louis doing stupid things he should not be doing, green eyes and my irratic heartbeat that refused to chill the fuck out.

When I went to bed that night, all I could see was green eyes looking back at me behind my lids, and I wondered what story was hid behind those eyes. I wanted to look at him again. Creepy as that might sound. What was happening to me? I knew I was intrigued by the boy, he was obviously a joy for the eye to behold, quite frankly he was gorgeous. But Louis Tomlinson was not the type to be thisbent out of shape by a random good-looking cupid. Get a grip,Lou. Get a fucking grip. 

 

HARRY POV

I'd spent the last few days trying to block out my thoughts and memories, as usual, as well as letting myself think about the strange boy with the blue eyes. I realised I had no food when friday came sagging along, and I braced myself for having to go out of my safe cocoon of an apartment. But it was inevitable. I chose my off-white long-sleeve and jean-shorts, ruffled my curls and went out the door. Out on the street I tried to ignore the usual panick and scepsism towards anything that moved. I was almost about to turn back when I reached the supermarked, but since I wasn't actually too fond of starving I forced myself inside.

I quickly picked up things I needed for many days to come, and hurried to the register. On my way out I felt the bags dig uncomfortably into my palms and sped up. I decided to take the promenade back as it was considerably faster than any other route to my home. 

It was as if I could sense something was going to go wrong. 

I walked rapidly down the promenade, trying to calm myself, I was being stupid, nothing was going to hurt me. Nothing. Calm down, calm the fuck down, just - 

A large group of guys was walking towards me, once they came closer they started whistling and chanting. The bags got heavier and heavier, my breath got staggered, my head was spinning. I thought I heard one of them go "does pretty boy need some help with the bags?" in a disgusting manor. I walked faster and went around a palmtree to avoid them, but I could see it was no use. As I fought the fear pulsing through my body, it seemed like the sky was falling rapidly and little antz were creeping in the border of my vision. 

"Is pretty boy gonna cry? Is he scared?" One of the repulsive men said as he approched me. Another chuckled and said "Don't worry, we're not going to hurt you." But his tone suggested the opposite. 

I was surrounded. 

I was trapped in my worst nightmare, litteraly. My mind screamed that I was an idiot not to listen to my guts when it told me the world was dangerous, that people were bad and wanted to hurt me. I couldn't breathe at all and just as my knees weakened underneath me, I heard someone shout. It didn't sound like any of the men, and further away maybe. It was hard to tell with the ringing in my ears.  
Suddenly the voice was much closer, and I thought I heard a "Get away from him, assholes. Go on, before I call the guards." Then everything went black as the antz swarmed my eyes, and my legs gave out. I tried to shoot my hands out beneath me. 

 

LOUIS POV

I had just closed the bar for the evening and had barely set my feet on the promenade when I was made aware of a racket going on down the street. I sighed as I eyed the usual group of steroid-pumped loners who hung out in the same spot every evening. I usually caught sight of them flirting with pretty promenading girls, in for a penny, in for a pound, but... there was nothing girly about the figure in the middle of their sircle right now. As I edged closer, I also noticed that none of these guys seemed to be flirting. They laughed amongst themselves, asking if 'pretty boy' was going to cry.  
I couldn't quite see the boy, but I saw how he was hunched over, arms wrapped around himself. He looked scared. By his feet were four big nets with groceries. I walked closer as I didn't like this situation. At all. 

All of a sudden I got a better view of the figure in the middle, and something snapped inside me.

I broke into a quick walk as I shouted for them to get the hell away. The lot looked dumbfounded, but edged away slowly. Just as I reached him, the boy sunk to the ground. Large hands shot out blindly to break his fall. I got on my knees and got my arms around him tightly so he wouldn't hit the concrete. He was very light, but broad. I settled him between my knees and cradled him to my chest. He hadn't quite fainted as such, but I would classify this as a panick-attack. His eyelids were shut so tightly it seemed painful, and his breath was wheezing through clenched teeth. 

The streets were empty now that the gang had fled the scene, it was just me and him. On the boardwalk. His breath didn't even out, he shut his eyes impossibly tighter and still the tears seeped through. I let my brotherly instinct take over (grew up with five younger sisters,mate) and did what I'd done whenever Phebs' had been upset. 

"Shhhh, it's fine, it's fine, they've gone now." I whispered, and rocked him carefully. 

The fact that this whole situation was outright absurd didn't even cross my bewildered mind. He whimpered and his hand fisted in the front of my shirt. I continued my calming strategies. 

"I promise. Nothing's going to hurt you. I'll make sure of that. Come on, love, breathe for me." 

As I pryed this absolutely terrified boy to breathe normally, I felt so sorry for him. I was glad there weren't anyone around to stare at us. We must be quite a sight. I briefly congratulated myself for handling a crisis-situation on my own. Mum would be proud. He regained a bit of control of his breathing, little by little. 

"Good. That's it. In and out. You're doing so good. Calm. You're safe. Those assholes aren't going to touch you. Promise." 

I just let the words flow because it seemed to calm him. After what seemed like hours, but might have been only minutes, his face was relaxing. His fist remained planted in my shirt, though. I smiled sadly to myself and looked down on him. His eyes shot open. He locked his awfully green gaze on my face. He just stared and stared until I wondered if there was something on my face.

"Hey you..." I whispered and caught the remaining tears with my finger. 

He blinked. And then - 

"Hey..."

I could tell he recognized me. His voice was deep, and slow. A shiver ran through me. 

"How are you feeling?" 

He seemed to suddenly truly catch on to the situation and a look of pure embarrassment washed over him, and he didn't answer my question. His eyes were now turned to the ground. 

"So..." I started. And paused. "You prone to panick-attacks too...?" 

At this his eyes locked on mine again. I smiled knowingly at him as he nodded. 

"A-and...um. Social anxiety." He stuttered in that slow-drawl-voice of his. 

"I figured. I've had my very fair share of those, I tell you. I don't blame you, those guys are dicks y'know. C'mon, let's get you home, yeah? I'll help carry the bags." I whispered into the air and helped him to his feet.

He swayed a bit before he finally was steady enough to show me the way to his place. I kept a careful watch over him as we walked in silence. He was very pale, almost translucent. Must be the shock. He was also jumpy as hell. Every sound made him anxious, and a stray cat almost scared the shit out of him. I ended up walking closer to him after that. 

"T-this is me." He drawled when we reached a tired-looking apartment-complex. 

"I'll carry the bags in for you." I said and went for the door. 

"I can do it, y'know..." 

"I know." 

That was my only reply, and he didn't do anything else to try and stop me. We went into the elevator and he pressed the button for the 4th floor. We stood close in the proximity of the elevator. He was looking at me. Almost wondering. I'm not sure what my own expression was like right then.  
Suprisingly he was the one to speak first. 

"British, huh?"

I smiled warmly. 

"Yes, proud to be a Doncaster-lad." 

A small smile gohsted over his lips. 

"Holmes Chapel, Cheshire." 

Goosebumps raised on my skin. I don't know why. 

In silent agreement I was allowed into his home. The apartment was small, and very...empty. There were almost no pictures, no posters, no..nothing. I walked behind him into his kitchen and watched as he opened his fridge (empty) and some cabinets (empty) to store the groceries. I went into the livingroom and looked around. There was a single picture on a dresser of a young boy, maybe 14 years old. His hand wrapped around a dolphins back, a huge grin on his face. His teeth were white. A deep (completely adorable) dimple dented his left cheek. His skin was wet, as well as his hair that curled widly around his face. But his eyes. His eyes were outright shining with the most stunning green I'd ever seen. I just stared at the photo. I then turned around to look strait at the boy who was leaned against the doorframe, watching me cautiously. I eyed him up and down. Then back at the photo. 

"Yes, that's me. Nine odd years ago. Cali." He said promptly. 

I looked at him again. His hair was still curling wildly, his eyes were the same colour, just as stunning. But there was no life in him. I opened my mouth and closed it again. 

"Look..thank you for helping me. How can I repay you?" He said, plead in his eyes. 

I just shook my head, "You're welcome. I don't need anything. At all. Are you sure you're allright?" 

The boy nodded and smiled sadly. I walked towards the door, somehow a bit reluctant to leave. Just as I was about to press the doorhandle- 

"Hey.." He was suddenly right behind me. I hesitated. 

"Wh-um..what's your name?" 

I smiled. "Louis. Louis Tomlinson."

His eyes widened a bit. "I'm Harry. Styles." 

Harry. Of course he was a Harry. He looked like a Harry. I smiled wider. His eyes hit the floor when he asked: 

"So, Louis, care for a cuppa'?" 

 

HARRY POV

I didn't know what I was thinking. What *was* I thinking, inviting a total stranger to have tea with me? I'm not sure. 

I held my breath in case he said no. 

He didn't say no. 

He smiled brightly and said "Yes. That sounds lovely. If you're sure?" And I nodded frantically, and went into the kitchen while I tried to calm my breathing. Louis stood calmly beside me while I prepared two cups of tea. My hands were slightly shaking. He noticed. 

"Hey, are you still nervous?" His voice was very soft.

"Kinda." I stuttered and stirred my drink. He was still looking at me. 

"I-it's just-..." 

"Are you scared because I'm here?" Louis asked kindly. 

"I just don't do this." I explained. 

"If it makes you feel any better, neither do I. Don't worry, though. I'm not going to hurt you or anything." 

We sat down by my counter. Louis sipped his drink. "How long have you lived here?" 

My throat clenched when I answered, "Almost three months now. How b'out you?" 

"Four months tomorrow actually. I work down at the beach bar." 

"Oh...why did you move?" 

Louis hesitated and then chuckled, "Eh...My parents wanted me to get in touch with my native roots or something. I agreed to try it out." 

"So you've french blood in you, huh?" 

He nodded. 

"My mum is french. And my name is french." 

Louis. Hm. Yes, it did sound french. 

"Why are you here, then?" He asked. 

And- 

I couldn't answer. Couldn't tell him. But also couldn't lie. 

"I...I. Sorry..." I felt like I was choking. 

"Hey, Harry...hey hey hey." suddenly Louis' hands were on my shoulders, bringing me back to the present. Somehow it felt comforting. I shut my eyes for a moment and tried to pull it together so I wouldn't seem too crazy. Maybe that ship had sailed, though. 

"Sorry, I'm sorry..." 

"What are you sorry for?" Louis asked softly, implying that I didn't have to apolagize, and his hands rubbed my shoulders carefully.

Then he started talking. 

"I guess that's just a touchy subject. I know what it feels like. The panick. The fear that ties you down and makes you stay inside until you have no food left," 

He must have noticed my empty kitchen, then. 

He went on. 

"I'm like that. Well, better now. I guess. Last year I didn't trust anyone, not even my parents. And now I manage to work and talk to people and such. But that doesn't mean I don't get the same warning in my gut." 

I stared at him. Who was this wonderful person? Why did he even talk to me? Save me? Why was he in my apartment, drinking tea?  
I wasn't sure, but I knew I liked it. So since I was still a bit choked, I smiled. One of my very rare genuine smiles. He smiled back. 

"Thank you." I managed. 

My breath was coming easier now. His hands stayed on my shoulders for a bit. 

"Um, Harry?..." 

"What?" 

Louis hesitated, as if he was manning up to something. 

"Would you...um....-" he took a deep breath. "Truth is, I don't know anyone here. Exept for my boss, but he's like...old." 

I chuckled, despite myself, "That makes two of us, then. Exept I don't even have an old boss-aquaintance." I was suprising myself with my boldness. 

"Would you meet me after my shift ends tomorrow? If I asked really nicely?" Louis asked. 

My eyes widened. My heart fluttered in a good way, for once. And I wasn't anxious. Not one bit. 

"Y-yeah...yes, I...I could do that, yeah." 

Louis smiled at me. "Great. That's really brave of you by the way." 

I sighed, smirked (what was with me today?) and said, 

"You don't scare me." 

 

LOUIS POV

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'd managed to ask him to meet me. He'd said yes. He had! I could do this. I could. I was. I'd even managed to lure out a smile big enough to show his dimples. Adorable. Completely adorable. He'd just said I didn't scare him. I just scoffed fondly. 

"I should be getting home...early start tomorrow." I said, regrettably. He nodded in agreement. 

"Thank's for the, um, tea." I said as we stood. 

"It was my pleasure. And again, thank you for saving me today. That you saw there..is my worst nightmare brought to life and stuffed down my throat. So thank you." 

He sounded so overly grateful. I smiled knowingly. It was my worst nightmare too. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, then?" 

"Yeah. I'll be there. When do you get off?" 

"About eight/thirty. Blue Lizard. Its on the promenade." 

He gave a quick nod and a small smile. 

"See you, Harry." 

He grinned down at me in the small hallway, his cheeks tinted a slight pink that reminded me of one of my sisters blush-colours, only ten times prettier. My heart stuttered in my chest. What was this boy doing to me? Seriously. I hope I had a convincing pokerface. Better go, I thought, or I might end up doing something that *would* scare him. 

 

HARRY POV

I lay awake that night, thinking about the following day. And about how flustered Louis had looked before leaving earlier.  
In my small hallway I'd studied his face closer. It was really fine and elegant, almost feminine but not quite. He was 'rugged' enough to stay masculine. And those eyes, god. Stunningly creaulean blue. I'm sure I had blushed. I always blushed. damn it.  
For the first time in god knows how long I'd felt something long forgotten stir inside me. Something that was not related to fear, anxiety or doubt. It felt wonderful. I didn't even feel nervous about meeting him again. And if I did it was a good nervous.

In the morning I felt more refreshed than I had in months. I even made myself breakfast that I ate on the padio. Throughout the day I did things thourougly. I had a very long shower and made sure that I was very clean. Occationally the usual quenchiness welled up as it always did, of course, but I had something to focus on, rather than just an empty space of time ahead. I made an effort to tame my hair a bit, I even styled it a little before pulling on a sand-colored longsleeve in a soft cotton/linen material, and clean dark skinny jeans. When it was 20:18 I was restless, so I slipped on my converse and left. I still felt anxious about leaving my apartment, but I did it without hesitation. 

 

LOUIS POV

I was exited. I'd looked at the time a hundred times over, and made sure my hair looked okay one time too many. I'd even changed out of my work-clothes and brought a nicer outfit with me. A pair of black skinnies and a soft t-shirt in a marine-blue color. When my shift was finally through, I hurriedly closed up and stepped outside. Just as I twisted the key someone leaned against the corner of the bar. I grinned widely and said, 

"Right on time, Styles." 

He chuckled lowly. "I'm always on time."

I eyed him up and down. Dark, tight (really tight) jeans that flattered his physique perfectly, and a expensivelooking - though casual- longsleeve in a sand-colour. His hair was a little bit neater than yesterday. He looked...wow. 

To be honest, the word that crossed my mind was *edible*. He looked edible. 

I was suddenly aware that I was staring very obviously, and stole my eyes away, embarrased. But when I looked at his face his eyes were on me as well. Travelling up and down. Chills ran down my spine. 

"Not bad, Tomlinson." He grinned. Cheeks flushing that same pink from yesterday. 

I scoffed, "I could say the same." 

He looked flattered at that. 

\---

About an hour later we had walked down the promenade slowly, just lightly conversing. I'd put my arm safely around his waist when two members of the creepy gang had passed us and Harry had gotten openly anxious. 

Somehow my arm had stayed there. 

He didn't do anything to move it, quite the contorary, he'd leaned into the touch. 

When the night came to a close at his doorstep none of us had wanted it to, so he'd invited me to a cup of tea. 

I said yes, of course. 

This boy was something different. I knew it. He intrigued me. I was drawn to him, and he didn't seem to mind. 

"It's been a long time since I've done anything like this." Harry whispered once we were settled in front of the TV with our tea and a blanket. 

"Me too. A very, very long time." I looked at him. He looked back. I found it harder than it should be to look away. 

We'd watched a thriller that was on TV, and I'd ended up quite close to Harry during the scarier parts of the film. I might have said "now it's my turn to need rescue" at one point. Harry had chuckled and put an arm around my neck safely. 

He'd asked if I had work tomorrow. I'd told him I had the weekend off. We had fallen asleep like that. 

 

HARRY POV

That weekend with Louis had been the best days of my more recent life. I felt as if I'd been dead for years, and had finally stirred from my deep sleep.  
We'd fallen asleep on the couch, and during the night I'd pulled him down to lie in front of me with the blanked draped over us. He'd burrowed back into me, half asleep, and I'd hesitantly put one arm around his waist. That's how we'd woken up.

A week later this had become a routine. Louis had asked me to meet him after work on monday. And then on tuseday, wednesday and eventually every day of the week. On thursday he had hugged me really tightly before going back home for the night, and I'd woken up with a smile on my face the next morning. And that's how we went on for a while, and I felt more and more like myself every passing day. 

-A few weeks later- (Still Harry's POV) 

I was just sitting on my couch, thinking (about stuff I maybe shouldn't be) when my doorbell rang.  
I jumped a bit, shook myself out of the heavy thoughts, and went to the door. I hesitated, not sure about who it could be at this hour, but opened it none the less.

To my suprise it was Louis. 

"Hi." 

I felt my face ease into a smile. He mirrored my expression. 

"What are you doing, why aren't you at work?" 

He shook his head and shrugged. "I made B let me out early." 

"I'm glad." I gestured for him to come inside. 

We dumped down on the couch and switched to a moviechannel. 

"Hey, Lou...?" I looked at him, studying his beautiful profile. 

"Hm?"

"I'm...I'm glad you found me." I blurted. 

Louis turned to face me. 

"Me too..." 

He didn't look away for a while. Neither did I. 

The silence was comfortable, unrushed...for a moment my world was colored cruelean.

We ended up on lying the couch again. We had ended up sleeping there a couple of times during the last weeks, but this was different. This time we were awake and concious.  
My arm wrapped around his waist, and he snuggled into me, unashamed. I breathed in the scent of him, and let my lips gohst over the nape of his neck. 

He shivered. 

I thought he whispered something. 

"Hm?" 

"I...really...really like you, Harry." 

his voice shook slightly. My heart was suddenly thundering in my chest. My stomach was doing flips in the most thrilling way I pressed a soft kiss to his neck. I was suddenly fearless. His body was pressed impossibly closer against mine. 

"I really, really like you too, Lou." 

He let out a noise as I pressed another careful kiss in the same spot. Suddenly his neck was more exposed. I let my breath gohst over it, enjoying the feeling of the shivers running through his body. 

I gingerly kissed down his throat, noticing everything it did to him. His breath was coming way faster, he was pushing himself backwards into me. I sucked lightly right beneath his ear experimentally, and a low moan escaped his lips. 

Suddenly he turned in my arm and faced me. Eyes hooded. I watched as his pupily dialated further. My arm around his waist slid slowly upwards, feeling muscle move beneath warm skin. I brought it all the way up until my hand grazed his cheek. Our breath came out in little huffs, rapid and staggered as I rested my forehead against his. You could have cut the tension in the air with a butterknife. 

"Harry...please..." 

it was barely audible. My hand went behind his neck without me telling it to. 

"Kiss me." I heard myself say. 

And that was that. 

His hands found my waist in an instant and pulled me in so I was moulded against him from head to toe, and right when I was about to start begging...he did it. 

His lips fit perfectly between mine, in a slow, delicious slide. Once. Twice. Three times. 

It was careful, experimental, but so intense. And I felt *everything*. 

His lips were soft, but not like a girls mouth, just exactly right. His teeth caught my lower lip and tugged at it slightly, and it felt so good I didn't know what to do with myself. 

I let out a long breath, mixed with a moan, and felt him flick his tounge against the spot he'd bit, asking me. I parted my lips and a bolt travelled through me as his smooth tounge dipped inside, gliding along my tounge, making me work with it, making my bones turn to jelly, making my breath catch in my throat. 

Suddenly the room felt really hot, despite the AC doing it's assigned job. The way our tounges moved together became more urgent, more forceful. I slid it against the roof of his mouth and felt more than heard the shuddering moan that escaped his parted lips. 

"Lou..." I was outright gasping for breath. 

He caught my lips again, nibbling my bottom lip while his hands wandered over my shoulders, up my neck. 

"God..." His voice was weak in the enclosed space. 

He pressed his lips to my jawline, slowly down my neck, and a sound ripped through me, shuddering in the air between us. Lou raised his head back up, resting our forheads together while we caught our breath. He looked straight into my eyes, and I looked straight back, hearing my pulse thump in my ears. 

"Wow..." He sighed. 

The smell of him was everywhere, enclosing me, wrapping me up in comfort and safe and *Louis*. 

"Wow." I smiled and nuzzled even closer into him, hiding my face in the junctuion of his shoulder and neck. 

"Hey...where'd you go?" He chuckled lightly. 

I just hummed against his skin. 

Hit with a sudden burst of inspiration, I latched my lips onto his neck, sucking lightly. 

"Ha-hh...Harry..." He chocked. 

"Hmm?"

I made my voice innocent and sucked harder at the same spot, making him stutter and groan. He pushed his hips forward and ground them into mine. I shivered and parted my knees, letting him settle comfortably. My lips were occupied again in a feverish kiss that managed to not bump our noses together and it felt so hopelessly good. I felt his hands wandering from where they'd been clamped around my shoulders, going lower, over the swell of my pecks down my stomack pausing at the end of my shirt. 

Lou pulled back to look at me, he looked totally wrecked already. His fingers played with the hem of my jumper. I strained my neck to reach his mouth and sucked his lower lip between my teeth, bit down carefully. Lou let out a low breath and I felt his hips buck under me. His hands snuck underneath my shirt and slid painfully slow up my torso. His fingertips searched my skin tenderly. 

Oh no, I thought, through my turned on haze. 

I found his eyes for a moment, I knew what he wanted, but I was nervous. Before I raised my arms to let him pull it off I said, 

"Promise you won't ask any questions until later...Lou." 

His hand stroke carefully at my chest again, fingers fanning out,and I knew he felt them now. All of them. His eyes widened. 

"I'll tell you later. I promise." I whispered against his lips, and Louis pressed a soft kiss to them. 

"okay. I promise." he murmured silently. I let him pull my jumper up and off me, then.

His eyes flicked over my naked torso. I felt exposed, but Lou's expression made me less anxious. 

"So beautiful..." He sighed and pressed his palm down on my chest, looking at me with wonder. 

I looked at them.

I hated them. The lines that marred my skin there, right over the butterfly. 

I suddenly felt very self-councious and was painfully aware that Lou hadn't yet seen my arms(and if he had, he hadn't said anything). Tears welled up in my eyes. 

"Hey. Look at me." Lou said, voice stronger now. I looked at him. 

"They're beautiful. You're beautiful." 

The tears spilled over when he bent down and kissed over the scars. 

"Lou..." I sighed. 

"This is beautiful too." He said and kissed along the butterflytattoo. 

"But..." He kissed down my sternum, and whatever I was about to say was suddenly unimportant. 

"No. No buts..." He drawled and his tounge grazed one of my nipples before he sucked down on it. I groaned louder than I'd meant to. My back arched off of the couch. 

"Lou..Lou c'mere, please...here." 

I was a groaning mess. Louis kissed his way upwards, dragging his tounge along my throat. My hands clawed at his shirt now, wanting it on the floor. 

"Please, off, off, off, Lou..."

He nodded frantically and lifted his arms over his head and let me peal the shirt off. I sighed and took in the sight of him, how his muscles strained as he braced himself with one arm on either side of me. He had a tattoo on his chest that said "It is what it is", I licked along the edge and blew cool air on the wet spot. Louis moaned lowly above me and braced one hand on my hip for leverage. I proceeded to bite down on one of his pecks, sucking hard at the spot before soothing it with my tounge. I sucked a nipple into my mouth. Lou let out a string of uncoherent blabber and ground his hips down reflexivly. 

We were both so hard already. We were soon a breathless mess of tangled limbs and low moans,

"Ugh...Lou, Lou, more I want more, fuck..." I couldn't even form a coherent scentence, but we seemed to be on the same wavelenght. 

"You..are you sure?" He panted. 

I nodded so hard my teeth rattled in my skull. I'd never been so sure of anything. I said as much. 

"Hold on, babe.." Louis stopped and kissed his way quickly down my body and sucked little marks into the skin above the hemline of my jeans. My breath hitched in my throat and my hips were buckling into the touch. 

"You're so beautiful, Harry." 

Louis had pulled back a bit and we were looking at each other with hooded eyes. 

"So beautiful like this..." He whispered.

I squealed when he flicked my jeans open. I reached out to pull him down into another kiss, and melted into him, while I pushes my hips up to help him slide off my jeans. 

"Your turn, babe. Jeans, off. Now." I said roughly, and used my strength to flips us around on the couch. 

Louis whined and let me remove his trousers, before he wrapped his legs around my back and pulled me in to align our bodies. The feeling of skin on skin was something I'd forgotten entirely, and now I relished in it. Craved it. Craved him. 

"Tell me what you want, Harry." Louis whispered hotly in my ear, sucking right beneath it, while grinding down slowly and firmly. 

"I...I want...I want you I want you I want you, please Lou, please." 

I was a spluttering mess. Louis chuckled and ground down harder, and right there. I moaned loudly, and held his hips tightly against my own. He sensed my urgency. 

"Okay, okay baby, okay." 

He made himself stop the amazing rythm and hooked his fingers underneath the band of my briefs and I let him slide them down and off. Once I was completely naked, and so so hard, I commanded him to get rid of his as well. 

"Off, Lou, now. Want to touch you."

Within secons he was as naked as I was and his hips were grinding down shamelessly, dirty and so, so good.

After two minutes of our hard lengths pressing tightly together it was dangerously close to being enough. 

"Lou...oh,fuck...I'm so close." 

"Me too, haz, me too." his hands were clenching and unclenching behind my back, our movements becoming staggered and rushed. 

"C'mon don't wanna come like this, stop stop make me stop...." Lou babbled, clouded with lust. 

It took every ounce of willpower left in me to stop our desperate movements. When we finally did, Louis didn't waste a second before he crawled down gracefully, and took me in his hot, wet mouth. He sucked me hard, the air froze in my lungs and I was reduced to a spluttering, incoherent mess. 

"Oh god,oh god, Louloulouisyes, right thererighttherefucksogood," 

His toungue dragged along the underside while he relaxed his throat until I hit the back of it. He was so damn perfect. My legs jerked along the side of the couch and my mind was whitehot. Lou pulled off and teased the head with his tounge, my breath wheezed between my clenched teeth. 

"Lou....Lou, Need you, I need you.." 

"Yeah?..tell me what you want." 

I panted hard, and willed my jelly-muscles to work, and pushed my torso up of the couch. I stared at Louis until he caught my mouth and pushed his tounge in my mouth. 

"I w-want..." 

He kissed me again. I moaned into it. Suddenly his hand grasped my hard length and squeezed. I wailed and pulled back. 

"FuckLouFuckmeplease" 

He laughed breathlessly, "there it is." 

He brought his hand to my mouth. 

"Suck." He commanded. I kept eyecontact while I sucked one of his fingers deeply into my mouth, laving it with my tounge. "Jesus, Harry..." Lou muttered. When he withdrew his finger, and sat back. 

"So fucking beautiful..." he whispered again. Then he grinned wickedly and without warning pressed the tip of his finger against me. he pushed inside and my jaw went slack, my head tipped back a little. 

"So beautiful...so stunning, baby..gonna make you feel so good..." 

He pushed his finger quite easily up to the knuckle. My hands fisted against the couch when he started moving it in and out carefully, stretching me out. 

"Another.." I choked out and he withdrew his hand to slick up two fingers. I cursed when he pushed them inside, and felt it sting a little bit. 

"Shh, relax." He said, and kissed soothingly on the inside of my thigh. I forced myself to relax completely, and the fingers eased further inside me. Soon he started twisting them, working against the muscle, scissoring me wider, wider. 

"AhhLou, fuck, Lou..." 

I couldn't breathe. He didn't need any more appoval from me so he added a third finger. He thrusted them slowly into me and I was far gone, little noises escaping my parted lips with every movement, banning all coherency from my system, until all I could focus on was the delicious slide of his fingers inside me, pulling the air from my lungs. He curled his fingers on the thrust in, and my whole body jerked suddenly, the most incredible feeling coiled in the pit of my stomach. 

"Jesus fucking christ do that again Lou. Lou,Lou,Lou fuck." I was writhering against the couch. Louis moaned deeply above me and repeated the action. I wailed high in my throat and my legs shook. Louis didn't relent, fingers pressing into the spot mercilessly. The sound that escaped my throat when he started rubbing in tiny circles almost didn't sound human. I had never felt this good. 

"Fuck, Harry...you're so hot." He moaned and when he pointed his fingers at that spot again, I snapped. 

"Fuck, I'm ready, I'm ready. Now Lou, now." 

I nodded in the direction of the sidetable by he couch and without asking, Louis bent over and opened the drawer to pull out the lube. 

He spread some onto his painful-looking member, untouched all this time, and then some on my hole. I was practically crying with impatience by the time he finally aligned himself. 

"Ready, gorgeous?" He whispered and leaned over me to kiss me tenderly. I sighed into his mouth. 

"Yeah...yeah I'm ready...please Lou I need you so bad." 

With that he pushed himself in slowly, all the way at my approval until he bottomed out. 

"Yesss...." I hissed and arched into him. 

"Fuck you're tight...jesus." 

He started moving in a slow drag that felt so fucking good I couldn't think. His hips snapped forward again and again, rocking me slowly against the couch. I wasn't sure if the sounds echoing in the room were coming from me or from Louis. Probably both. Louis switched to a different angle and thrust firmly into my body, and- 

"Uuuuhhh fuuuuck!" I half screamed, half moaned, and my body arched off of the couch, muscles clenching. 

"Fuck!" Louis cursed as I tightened around him. Then he slammed down faster, faster, always hitting that spot inside me. 

There was no fucking air in my apartment. I was vaguely aware that I was sobbing dryly and I felt our movements become more and more jagged. 

"Oh... fuck, I'm close, I'm so close." Louis moaned and I hooked my arms behind his back, nails digging into his skin. Just as he licked hotly into my mouth I felt the heat coil in the pit of my stomack, and my thighs were shaking. 

"Ah, fuck, me too babe, oh god." 

Louis had incredible strength, he never stopped, he just kept going and going until I was skating the edge. As was he. 

"Harry...harry oh fuck fuck fuck.." 

"Oh, god, oh fuck, fuuuck.." 

just as I felt my body twich, the heat spreading out all the way to the tips of my fingers, and the tips of my toes, Louis let out a desperate noise and stuttered his movements. He hit that spot one more time and we were gone. I came shuddering between our aligned bodies, moaning out "Loulouloulou" like a incoherent mantra, while I felt Louis pulse inside me, he moaned hopelessly into my shoulder. My brain might have short circuited.  
Louis's arms gave out and he lay down onto my chest, my numb arms wrapped around his sweaty back. 

"Holy...shit." He breathed, and I laughed airily into his neck. 

"Yeah. Holy shit." 

"I've never...ever...come so hard. In my life." he said between deep breaths. 

I sucked a mark onto his collarbone, right by the tattoo, and his body shuddered, still inside me, ecliting a tired moan from me. 

"Uh....me either. That was...amazing, you're amazing."

"Kiss." He whispered and I lifted my head to kiss him deeply. 

We had cleaned up after that, and settled on the couch with a cup of tea and my duvet. We were watching some french-dubbed comedyshow when Louis said, 

"Hazza?" 

"Hmm?"

"I want to ask you something." 

"Why don't you just ask me then?" I smiled and pecked him on the lips. He blushed. 

"I'm nervous." 

"Hey...I seriouslt doubt that you need to be." 

"Will you...be my boyfriend?" 

My face spread into a wide grin. 

"Yes." I chuckled happily.

Louis laughed too, and hid his face in my neck, and I heard him whisper, 

"Put your fucking dimple away, Styles" fondly.

 

LOUIS POV

After the most mindblowing sex I'd ever had and a wonderful day just watching crap telly, we silently decided I was absolutely *not* going home that evening. We carried the duvet back onto his bed and went into the bathroom. I studied Harry through the mirror as he washed his face and brushed his teeth. His body was incredible. Long and lean, toned, smooth, and his tattoos were breathtaking. On the back of his arm were two hands entwining-the ecual love symbol - and he had a line down his forearm saying "won't stop till we surrender". I noticed something strange about the texture of his skin on his arms, but didn't ask questions. Not yet. Then of course it was the big butterfly on his stomack and two swallos beneath his collarbones. "What's that from?" I said and let my fingers trace the lyric on his arm. he rinsed his mouth and said it was a line from "Sweet disposition" by The Temper Trap. His favorite song. 

"I haven't heard it." I admitted. 

Harry looked scandalised. 

That's how I ended up with his phone in my hand, on the bed, while he commanded me to put on the song. 

I did. 

And when the music unfolded...Harry started singing. And *my* jaw dropped. 

"Sweet disposition, ended too soon,  
Oh, reckless abandon  
Like no one's watching you.  
A moment,  
A love,  
A dream,  
A laugh,  
A kiss,  
A cry,  
Our rights,  
Our wrongs,  
A moment aaah, a moment aaaah...  
Just stay there,  
Cause I'll be coming over,  
While our blood's still young,  
So young it runs,  
Won't stop till it's over,  
Won't stop till we surrender...." 

I was just staring at him, jaw on the floor, nearly literally. And he didn't seem to notice as he rummaged around his room, fixing this and that, taking off his tshirt...singing.  
Just singing along with the beautiful song. Not half has beautiful as his voice. 

I was speachless. 

The song ended. 

I stared. 

Harry sat down beside me. 

I stared. 

Harry suddenly noticed my expression. 

"Wha'?" he asked, a guarded look overtaking his face. 

I stared. 

"What? Lou, say something, you're scaring me." 

I just shook my head. "I didn't know you could sing like that." 

"Sing? Like what?" 

I stared dumbfoundly at him. "Your voice. It's incredible?" 

"It is?" 

Harry sounded like this was news to him. 

"Um, yes? Surely someone must have told you as much?!" 

"Um....well..." 

Harry shrugged, always modest. I knew he had been told, though. He just hadn't taken it to heart like he should have, obviously. I pressed play on another song.

"Sing for me." 

And boy, did he sing. 

He didn't get any further than the first chorus, though, before I smashed my lips to his. He chuckled into the kiss. 

We settlet under the duvet and curled up together, Harry was still humming "Sweet Disposition". I was still staring at him. 

I caught sight of the butterfly and sighed.

"Is it later yet?" 

Harry was silent for a moment. 

"I guess it's later..." 

"Can I..?" I asked and gestured to the duvet that was packed around his middle a bit. He nodded vaguely, and I pulled the duvet back to reveal his naked torso. 

The scars were mainly beneath his pecs, right over the butterfly. I let my fingers run over the raised skin. Some of them were thicker and others quite small and faded. I looked into his green irises, wondering what was the best way to ask him about this. 

"It's fine, Lou. Ask away." He said, as if reading my mind.

"Okay...who did this?" 

His eyes closed momentairly. When he opened them again he was staring down at his lap. He drew a sharp breath. 

"I did." 

I'd anticipated this, but it still made my stomack go cold. The natural follow-up questions were, 

"Why?...when?..." 

Harry took his time before answering. I didn't push him. His eyes remained fixed in one spot. 

"Like...half a year ago...maybe...I..." His eyes now shot up into the ceiling, and his hands fisted in the duvet. 

"It was a really...it's been a really hard...year for me." He managed to say. 

I could see him tense up. He was looking everywhere but at me, and his eyes were going moist. I quickly lay one arm around him and pulled him to my chest. He melted into the embrace. His breath was uneven and he packed the duvet tightly around his waist again. 

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You don't have to explain yourself to me." I said. 

He shook his head, "I know. But...I want to. It's just very...painful." 

"I know. Take your time. I'm listening." 

It took about fifteen minutes until he was ready to go on. 

"I was on my way home from the pub-" He began, and I braced myself for a horrid story. 

"-and I was with...um. I was with...Nick." 

He closed his eyes and I entwined our hands. He squeezed it tighty. He kept his eyes closed. 

"Nick was my...well I don't know exactly what he was, but..we 'fooled 'round' for two years, just 'bout...anyway. We were walking home to my place and...he had been very tense for many months, but that night he'd been acting out quite badly..." 

Another pause to even his breath. 

"I should've known...I just-...We got home, and I remember being anxious about his behaviour in town, and I asked 'im about it...like why was he so angry all the time 'nd, was it something I did or..." 

I ran my free hand through his hair soothingly, to remind him where he was and that it was safe to talk here. 

"And he...we....well..." 

I felt how tense he was and I took advantadge of his pause.  
"Hey...look at me harry." 

He did. 

"Take your time, yeah? I'm here. I'm here, love." 

His eyes teared up and he strained his neck, asking for a kiss. I gave him it. slow and sweet. He was able to go on then. 

"I tiptoed 'round him all evening, like I'd done for months on end...just waitin' for him to break down or...snap...just something. I knew somethin' was off about him, y'know? Well. I made him a cuppa, I do that when I'm nervous-" 

I chuckled. So did I. 

"-but when I tried to give him it he...well. He asked me what the fuck was wrong with me, and threw it...at me. Here." 

Harry gestured to his stomach where the butterfly was, and I gasped when I took a closer look and realised it was covering a faded burn-scar just about the size of my palm. I had to fight the urge to get upset in front of him and let him tell me the rest. 

"Well...it was freshly boiled water so...yeah. Anyway. I couldn't reach the sink to wash it off before he...um...uh...he..." 

Harry struggled with the words and brought a hand up to cover his eyes. 

"Harry...did he hit you?"

He nodded. When he spoke again his voice was stronger. He seemed determined to get this off his chest. 

"Yeah. He hit me. Many times. He'd never...ever, hit me before...sure he'd been a bit strong-'anded a couple of times but....never like that...I didn't even fight back, Lou...I couldn't hit him, not for the life of me, I'd rarher let him end me than lay a hand on him...but...that didn't matter to him. when he left I was on the kitchen floor...naked." 

Harry drew a long, deep breath, and suddenly it dawned on me what he meant by 'naked'. 

"Couldn't move,...I was bleedin' pretty bad too. From my face and y'know..., and my back..And my arms felt funny, I found out later one had broken, and one sinew had almost torn..." 

I was beginning to feel slightly nauseaous. 

"I couldn't walk...'course. He'd been...rough..." 

Deffinately nauseaous. 

"But my friend...Liam...came in the mornin' to have a chat, and...found me like that. Nick was long gone, never saw him again actually. Anyway. Liam took me to the hospital. I had a bad concussion, several tears...a few broken fingers...bruised body, and I'd lost a lot of blood. I was in there for ten days. Told my parents I'd fallen down the stairs -they don't...um...we don't talk particularily often, but...that's another story- but anyway. it turned out...okay. I healed. Sort of." 

I didn't realise I had started crying before the tears dribbled off my chin. 

Harry hesitated, probably wondering if I could take any more. 

"Go on, love." I choked. 

He reached his hand up and wiped away the tears gently. 

"Life from then on has been hell. In the beginning I was too dazed to grasp it...but a while into it it dawned on me. I was so scared he'd come back for me. I changed my locks. Put on extra locks as well. I hated myself. What he'd done to my body...how everything inside me hurt like hell when I thought about him. I think I sort of loved him, y'know. I couldn't figure out...wha' I'd done...to make him do what he did. And...he was the one who was supposed to, I don't know...He wasn't supposed to do that...not after everything..."

He paused yet again, and wiped some fresh tears off my cheeks. It made me feel guilty because he wasn't supposed to be the one comforting *me* right now. 

"The first time I...yeah. You know...cut. I just wanted to...feel something. Anything other than numbness. It was like a let-out, yeah...and I just...I couldn't stop. I just...slashed and slashed..." 

Tears now erupted from his big doe eyes and ran down his face miserably.

"-And *slashed*...Liam moved in for a few weeks to watch me, then. You should meet him some time. Good lad." 

Harry sniffled, and I decided on the spot that one day I was gonna meet Liam. 

"Well...when I stopped daring to go outside...and Liam was the only one I'd let see me, my parents got involved...I don't know why..they decided enough was enough. They didn't know anythin' though...all they saw was an enclosed boy who didn't go out anymore. They probably thought I wasted time on video games..., and I was already a disgrace,um..., couldn't have that assosiated with themselves as well..I was allteady a fuckup in their eyes. so....my mum shipped me here. This place-" 

He gestured to the apartment we were in. 

"-s' been in the family for many years. We came here every summer when I was little. And they thought I could...use some time to widen my horizons, make a life as far away from them as possible...or somethin' like that anyway. Maybe turn straight from all the beachbabes..." Harry added and laughed almost bitterly.

" So...I went. I was scared shitless 'course. Liam flew down here with me. I couldn't be on a plane by myself without panicking." 

I tightened my hold on him. 

"I've been trying to block it out. I can zone out for hours on end...just trying to not let those thoughts and memories take me over. Trying not to...do anything dangerous. I see his face everywhere, in the marked...on the beach....in passing cars..." 

I could almost feel his pain, all the way into my core. I remembered him sitting so still at the pier, and figured that's what he meant by 'zoning out'. I closed my eyes. Trying not to picture him 'slashing'... 

"Did you ever..." My voice faded out. 

"Did I ever, what?" He whispered. 

"Did you ever do anything...dangerous...?" 

I stared into his eyes, slightly red-rimmed and shiny. He nodded uncertainly. I sucked in a sharp breath, and let it out again just as harshly. 

"Do you want to show me?..." 

He bit his lower lip and searched my face for something. I don't quite know what. 

"You sure?...You're a little green, Love." He leaned down and kissed my cheeks. I smiled sadly. 

"I'm fine. I just...I'm so sorry, Harry. I'm so, *so* sorry. I'm not pitying you...I'm just so...I can't believe...how someone could *do* that to you. You know that's never going to happen to you ever again, right? You're with me now. I won't let anyone hurt you. I swear." 

Harry's eyes were fixed on me. He looked sad, but so, so happy all the same. He bent down again, this time to kiss my lips, firmly and slowly, while keeping his eyes open, and it felt so right. 

"I want you to show me." I said, "I can take it." 

"I'm suprised you haven't allready seen it, actually..." 

He lifted both his arms a bit closer to my face. So I could see. Truly see. The lines were very thin and faded, but very packed on his arms, going all the way from the inside of his wrists, to the creases of his elbows. Some were covered with the ink painting his skin and scars alike. On his left arm, by his elbow, he'd carved a word into his skin. "Things I can't". it said. I looked over his other arm, and found that the corresponding spot on his right arm said "Things I can". 

I didn't have the words to respond to this. And if I did have them, I couldn't find them within me at that moment. I just shook my head slowly and pulled him down to lie with me, wrapped myself around him like a safetyblanket (even though I was more suited to be the little spoon, I admidt.) and told him I wish I could change this, wish I could fix everything. 'You are, Lou.' he told me. I tried to believe him. I really did. 

\---

Harry became a constant in my life from that day onwards. I found myself being waited for every single day after work, to be taken home to his flat for dinner (Harry was quite a cook), and crappy telly and tea...and Harry. Blossoming Harry. Wonderful, adorable Harry. One of the days I remember vividly. 

I locked up the bar and threw my arms around my awaiting boyfriend that stood outside. 

"Hello beautiful." He smiled and kissed me sweetly. 

"I missed you,baby." 

I sighed into the kiss and felt the corners of his mouth turn up into a grin. 

Harry wanted to take a walk, and that did sound rather lovely after a whole day in the little booth. 

"Let's go this way." Harry said and pulled me in the direction of the pier.

When we reached it, I smiled and let him lead me down it, to the end. I looked at the spot where I'd first seen Harry and smiled to myself. Who would've known?

Harry was relaxed in my arm. Suddenly he looked very brooding, and asked me, 

"Hey,when you came out here that first time, you were dripping...." He glanced down the long pier and back at me, looking dumbfounded. 

I looked at him like the answer to his mystery was obvious...which it was. Honestly. 

"Did you *swim* out here?" 

"Well duh." I chuckled. 

"Oh." 

We both started laughing. 

"Look at the sky." Harry said abruptly. 

It was beautiful. Pastel-colored. Light. Soft. 

"I call it Vanilla-Twilight." He said, smiling at the sky. 

My heart thumped in my chest. 

"Like the Owl City song?" I smiled and burrowed closer into his arm. 

"Yeah, exactly." 

I studied his face. He looked more relaxed than I'd ever seen him. Not plagued at all. Just...happy. I heard the silent whisper of him humming a bit of the song, and closed my eyes. 

"The sky...like this...that's how I feel when I am happy." He whisperes and pointed to the pastell-sky. 

My pulse quickened. And I got it. He was so right. 

"I get it." I said. "You're right.." Then after a while, "and how do you feel now?..." 

Harry smiled and pointed to the sky again. .

 

HARRY POV

I literally could not believe my luck. A few months ago I had been at the bottom of the pool, hit rock bottom, six feet under, call it whatever. And now...I was alive again.  
All because of all the wonders of the world come together to make Louis William Tomlinson.  
Our relationship had just kept evolving as time went on, summer turned into fall. On September 3rd, after Lou's last day of work, I gathered my courage and decided to ask him to move in with me. He was never at his own place anymore anyway. 

"Louis?" 

He poked his head out of the livingroom to where I was leaning against the counter, making dinner. 

"Hmmm?" 

"Come here. Wanna ask you something." 

Louis smiled my favorite smile, walked over, and snuggled into me. I closed my eyes. 

"What were you going to ask me?" 

"Well...you don't have to answer right now or at all really. But...um..." I stuttered. 

Lou chuckled agains my side, "Hazza, are you nervous?" 

I nodded slightly. A warm kiss was pressed to my lips, and while his lips were still touching, I gathered some courage and - 

"Would you want to move in?" 

Before I knew it I was engulfed in a bonecrushing hug and a very, very happy Louis. 

"Can I? Really? Seriously? Do you mean it?" 

He bubbled and I laughed at his exitement and assured him that yes he could, yeah really, seriously, I meant it. 

 

LOUIS POV

Every day living with Harry I was more and more endeared. I took notice in the little things.  
He drank a lot of tea, but didn't really care much for coffee (because british). He was notoriois about putting down the toilet seat, he loved roasted almonds, and he really, really loved music. All kinds of. We liked a lit of the same bands. 

One day I'd noticed a guitar in the corner of the storageroom.  
Harry told me that he'd done some fair share of playing out in bars and such back in England, and he'd brought the gituar here but never had the will to pick it up again after what happened. 

Naturally I got him to play for me. 

Allthough it took some persuation. 

"Pleeease baby..." 

"Noooo, I don't know...what if I don't remember how to do it, and..." 

"I don't care, please please *please* play for me." Needless to say, I didn't buy his 'concerns' in the slightest. 

Harry had looked at me with a pained expression. "And what do I get *if* I play for you?..." 

I'd grinned wickedly and brought my lips close to his ear. Hummed. 

"Hmm...why don't you try it and we'll see...I'm feeling generous tonight..." 

I'd sighed so my breath ghosted over his ear, and when I darted my tonge out to lick it, and Harry groaned, I knew I'd won. 

"Yay!" I clapped my hands together exitedly. 

"You're such a baby, Tomlinson." Harry had scoffed, but situated the guitar on his lap and made sure the strings were in tune. Sighed in defeat. 

"What do you want to hear, then?" 

I put on my thinking-face. "Do you have any songs of your own?..." 

He smiled timidly. "Some..." 

"I wanna hear one of those, then. Please." 

"Okay, but it's gonna cost you." 

"I can live with that." 

I leaned back in the couch and watched how he tested some chord-progressions, how his fingers looked strong and elegant as he gripped the board and plucked the strings experimentally. 

"Okay, I've something to admidt." Harry grinned from behind the guitar. 

"Oh yeah? And what's that m' darling boy?" 

His modest-act was thrown to the wind and he'd turned his charm on. The charm he had bucketloads of. 

"I sort of...wrote you a song." 

"What?! How come I haven't heart about this?" I exclaimed. 

"Well...I only tried it out on the guitar a couple of times while you were at work, and...it's rough still, but...since I know I'll get...rewarded..." He chuckled, and his fingers slowly eased into a smooth progression. 

"Let's hear it, Styles." I smiled charmingly. 

"Fine. Here it goes." 

And there he went, and my jaw hit the floor,like it always seemed to do these days. 

"Now you were standing there right in front of me,  
I hold on, it's getting harder to breathe  
All of a sudden these lights are blinding me  
I never noticed how bright they would be" 

Shivers ran down my spine and made goosebumps appear on my arms and the back of my neck. Harry looked up at me from beneath his curly fringe. 

"I saw in the corner there is a photograph  
No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you  
It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass  
This bed was never made for two,

I'll keep my eyes wide open  
I'll keep my arms wide open" 

My eyes were certainly wide open. As was my mouth. 

"Don't let me  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone 

I promised one day that I'd bring you back a star  
I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand, oh  
Seems like these days I watch you from afar  
Just trying to make you understand  
I'll keep my eyes wide open, yeah" 

I was completely blown away by the sheer power in that voice. He sang differently than I'd heard before, stronger, with more passion. Whenever he sang he transformed in a way, and suddenly he wasn't the scared, abused boy I'd first seen, he was Harry Styles, and he was shining. And boy was I completely in love with him. 

"Don't let me  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go 

Don't let me  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone" 

He slid up in falsetto, effortlessly. 

"Don't let me  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone  
Don't let me  
Don't let me go  
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone" 

The song came to a close with an expert outro, and I was completely speechless. 

Harry put the guitar down and stared at me comically, and suddenly he started laughing. 

"Earth to Louis. Or should I say goldfish?" 

I just shook my head, staring at him. 

"Come here." I whispered, and patted the spot next to me. 

Harry, being Harry, preffered my lap over the couch. I didn't mind. 

"So, did you like your song, Mister?" He asked me. 

My expression made him laugh again, dimples digging deep adorable holes in both cheeks, and I knew the 'duh' was implied. 

"Can I kiss you? Please. I need to kiss you." I knew I didn't have to ask, but did anyway. 

"You may..." 

I did. 

For twenty minutes, without a break. Harry pulled back breathlessly, looking properly snogged, which he was. 

"Hey, remember our deal, Tommo." 

"Like I would forget. You've been soo good. Deserves a proper reward. Strip." I commanded, and Harry obliged, knowing he was in for something good. 

___

I had him spread out on the bed, on all fours, while I mapped out his entire body with my mouth, licking, nibbling, sucking, where I found it appropriate. I paid special attention to his scarred arms and had him lay on his back for a bit so I could explore the butterfly, the burn, the scarring there as well. By the time I wanted him back on his fours, Harry was reduced to a shuddering mess, curls wild from him pulling at them to keep his hands away - touching either me or himself was prohibited- eyes wide and dazed, mouth redbitten. And so, so hot.  
My dick was pressing uncomfortably against my flies, just from making Harry feel this good. 

"you're so hot, baby...so good for me. Such a good boy for me." I whispered my praises and runmaged my hands across his sweaty back, watching his thighs tremble beneath my touch as my fingers probed the skin where it was softest. I placed both palms on his ass and spread him wide. 

We'd done this before, and I knew it made Harry go insane whenever I teased him like this, knew he loved me telling him how good he was being, knew he absolutely gagged for my mouth there. I let him wait for it. Harry moaned and squirmed under my gaze. 

"Lou....Please..." 

"Patiance." I blew cool air across the smooth hole and relished in the sounds escaping Harry's mouth. 

"Remember, no touching.Savvey?" 

Harry chuckled airily before hissing as I blew harder. 

"Sss-savvey." He choked out. 

"That's my boy." I proceeded to lick a thick stripe over him. Harry wailed so loud it hurt my ears. 

"You taste so good." I said. He did. Raw and human. I loved it. Loved doing this. 

Harry moaned hopelessly when I went to work. I kittenlicked him a few times before placing my whole mouth there. Harry was the best he'd ever been, showing stamina of a true champion, and he didn't touch, no matter how much he must have wanted to. 

"You're so gooditfeelssogood,moremoremore." He was spluttering unconciously. I swirled my tounge firmly around the rim and pushed it inside, feeling the muscle give. Harry was sobbing. Head resting on his fists that was gripping the pillow so hard it looked painful. At one point he buried his face in the pillow to muffle his sobs, but I couldn't have that. 

"Don't hide your face, love. Wanna hear you. Y' make me so hot. You're so good, so good babe," 

And he'd kept his face clear of that pillow, letting his moans echo around the room. I worked him wide, pushing my tounge as far in as it would go, swiveled it around in there, and Harry's hips buckled, he gasped and arched his back. So I did it again. And again. One more time, and I felt the abused hole clench and unclench rapidly, as well as heard Harry's broken cry of pleasure as he came shooting white strings over the grey sheets without having been touched there at all. I continued licking the life out of him, through his orgasm, and when he didn't tell me to stop I kept going even though I knew he must be oversensitive. His pants grew to moans again rapidly and I noticed he was somehow stll hard. I pulled away momentairily, 

"I see someone's greedy tonight?" 

He was in no condition to answer. His breath wheezed in his throat. 

"Can you take it?" 

His eyes widened and he nodded weakly but surely. I tipped my head back down between his legs and created suction over his hole and flicked my tounge over him quickly at the same time. Suddenly he yelled something more verbal, 

"Holyfucking-christIcan't,fuckfuckfuckfuclLou!" 

I kept that up and reached around his trembeling thigh to grasp his neglected dick and all it took was for me to squeeze it and twist twice over the head, and Harry was gone again, twice as hard as last time, body spasming, moans falling like a kaskade from his mouth. I pulled away after a minute, but got a sharp protest from him. 

"Oh, oh, god, oh god, oh god, I'm still-fuck-still coming lou, christ, don't stop pleasepleaseplease" he moaned brokenly and I moaned with him, dangerously close to my own release. If he kept this up I was gonna cum in my pants, he was so fucking hot. 

As it turned out, the sight of Harry being so completely wrecked and unraveled beneath me proved to be more than I could handle, and I forcefully let go, still fully clothed. That had never happened to me before. When I'd pulled the last possible drop of pleasure out of Harry's body he went so limp I worried he might have passed out. He hadn't though. I stroke his ribs soothingly and brought the duvet around us and gathered him up to cuddle him against me. 

"I...love you...I loveyouIloveyouI..love, you..." He breathed out against my neck and I moved his sweaty curls from his forehead, 

"I love you more." 

He came more to himself after some time, still showering me with love, saying he was "floating", and I had to swallow around my heart that was lodged in my throat. 

"I think you need a bath, lovely." 

"Me too. I don't think I can walk." He said slurringly. I shook my head and said, "I'll carry you." 

I filled the tub and carried his limp body over to it. He managed to sit, albeit a bit unsteady, and whispered that he wanted me in there too, and that was quite a novel idea. I stripped out of my sticky underwear and slid us carefully into the hot water. "Don't let me drown in here." Harry joked as I situated him between my legs, the whole line of his back pressed into my torso. He let me wash his hair - I had a thing for the way the shampoo foamed up and the way he looked like a baby-tarzan when the strands curled in the steam from the water. When we were done, and Harry had gone all soft and pliant, smelling like Herbal Essences' "Tousle Me Softly", I supported him from the tub and into bed. Before we fell asleep that night, my boy sighed into my hair that he had to play and sing for me more often for sure. I couldn't have agreed more.

 

\--- 

I will never forget the first time I truly understood the effects of Harry's past. 

I woke up in the middle of the night, a bit dissoriented. I quickly knew something was not quite right.  
Harry was still in my arm where he'd fallen asleep. 

But, oh. 

he was whimpering, almost screeching, high in his throat. And cold-sweating. Squirming. 

As my tired eyes adjusted I could see the teartracks on his cheeks as well. Something was deffinetely not right. There was a vice around my heart seeing my boy in this state. Suddenly he drawled "mum...don't please..." In his disturbed sleep. I peeled his clammy fringe back from where it was plastered against his forehead.  
"Please, I'll be good, I'll change..I can't change..." His voice was shot. I didn't know if I should wake him or let him sleep through the bad dream. 

Suddenly his breath came quicker and I saw his fists clenching so tight his knukles turned white, he brought his legs up, curling in on himself while his whimpers amped in intensity until they were almost sobs. My chest went cold. 

"No...no no no nonono! I love you ,don't, why...stop." 

I waited painfully for his nightmare to die down, I didn't want to wake him if I didn't have to. I knew Harry needed his sleep. 

I jumped when he screamed. 

"No! That hurts! That...hurts...don't do this Nick, what did I do what did I do...don't!" 

He flinched from the imaginairy fists hammering at him. Clawing at his skin. Breaking him open.

I was waking him up. 

Now. 

He was in a fetus position. Fresh tears erupting, screaming into the room for nick to stop beating him to a pulp in his fictive dream. But I knew how real it was, allright. It wasn't just a bad dream. He wasn't just dreaming. He was remembering.  
I clamped my hands down on his shoulders and shook him. "Harry. Harry, wake up." I said firmly. He didn't stop screaming his endless chant of "Nononono why?" and I felt like I had to throw up. "Harry! Wake up!" I shook him harder. Once. Twice. His eyes shot open mid scream, unfocused and looking so terrified. He was breathing hard and the tears dripped off his face to puddle on the mattress. I sighed sadly, though relieved he was awake. 

"Hey hey hey, it's okay, Love, I'm here, I'm here, It was a dream, Harry," 

"Lou..." He choked out between clenched teeth, and I opened my arms wide wordlessly for him to burrow into. 

He threw himself into them and I pulled him tightly to my chest.  
"Shhh...shhh it's okay. It's okay. It was a nightmare. You're safe, love. You're safe with me. There...oh darling." 

I'd seen Harry upset before, but never like this. One of his hands were fisted in my shirt, the other was clamped around my shoulder so hard it was a little painful. I *thought* I'd seen Harry cry before, but spilled tears were nothing compared to this. My shirt was soaked in them, and they kept coming, pooling underneath his eyes before spilling down his cheeks. He shook with the sobs that rattled through him. Every breath sounded painful and strangled. Very strangled...in fact...What- 

"Lou. Lou-I c-can't, I can't breathe-" He said suddenly sounding very alarmed. I knew I had to snap him out of this immediately. 

"Shh, easy easy easy..." I said and sat us up. 

His breath weezed in his lungs and came faster and faster and more shallow every second. I felt panick rise within me. 

"Lou-!" He choked, and clutched his chest. 

"Hey, hey, look at me, c'mon love, look, here, here." I got him to look at me. His pupils were tiny in the green sea of panick. 

"Harry, I need you to breathe for me. Can you do that?" I said as calmly as I could. He shook his head no, and I sweeped my hands up and down his back. 

"I know you can baby, in..and out. All the way out. And in-slowly, slow...all the way. Hold it," 

I made him hold it for a second. His hand was stil clawing at his chest.

"Then out, remember, slow. Don't rush. Like that yeah, you're doing so good Hazza. So good." 

After me guiding his breathing slowly in and out for a few minutes it seemed to be working. I murmured calmingly into the dim lit bedroom. "Easy. easy. There you go, love. shhh...don't worry, it'lll be okay. Just breathe." When he finally started breathing normally, his face also turned healthier colour. 

I waited until he seemed seemed calm enough, "C'mon love, I'm going to run you a bath, and then I'll make some tea. Come here." 

Harry dried his cheeks on the back of his hand and lay the other in mine and let me pull him from the bed with a tired smile and shiny eyes. I got him in the bath, and he made adorable grabby-hands at me as if to say 'get in here'. So I did. Of course I did. He watched me closely as I undressed and got in. I situated him in between my legs and sat back, cupping water that I let drain over his shoulders. He hummed in appreciation. I kissed the back of his neck and grabbed a washcloth from the sidestand. I reached for the tap and wet the cloth in cold water. "Sit up, darling." I dabbed the cold cloth gently underneath his eyes and his forehead. His eyes fell closed, his hands fell gently into his lap and he sighed. His face was relaxed, the pain washed away. When I was done with that he cracked a timid smile and his face lit up a bit, I smiled back and took his face in my hands, kissed his cheeks, the dimples peeking through. In silent ageement we got out of the tub, and I wrapped Harry up in his white, fluffy bathrobe. He waited patiently for me to dry off. 

"Come." I led him into the livingroom, and he followed willingly. "Which tea do you want, lovely?" 

He suddenly pulled me back into his chest and enveloped me in a hug. I nuzzled into it. He opened the front of the robe so I could melt into his warm skin. 

"The apple-cinnamon one." He whispered into my hair. 

"C'mon then." I walked with him latched onto my back into the kitchen and made two cups of tea, feeling his steady, calm heartbeat against my shoulder. Then we sat back on the couch and I turned on the tv and lowered the volume. Harry didn't say much, just sipped his tea and hid his face in the crook of my neck for the most part. I asked if he wanted to watch a movie and he nodded. "Which one?" I asked and tightened my arms around his waist. "Love actually." he whispered. In a way he was almost childlike, very quiet, very vaunerable. I liked the feeling of protecting him. He protested when I tried to move from the couch. 

"I'm just going to put on the movie, sweetie." 

He stared at me until I was back on the couch, as if he was afraid I'd evaporate or something. 

We watched the movie. Harry relaxed more and more, he even laughed at a few scenes. I did as well. In the middle of it he said this was his favorite movie. I told him mine was Anastasia. He told me I was such a girl. I kissed his cheek. I wanted to ask him about his nightmare. But I thought maybe I should wait until tomorrow. When the movie ended Harry had downed three cups of tea, and seemed in much better shape. 

"How'r you feeling?" 

"Better. Much better, I..."  
I smiled, ran my fingers through his curls. He closed his eyes. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Sorry? For what, sweetie?" 

"I don't know...waking you up...n'd...freaking out..." 

I shushed him and cupped his face in my hands. "Shh...baby. there's no need. You had a nightmare. And if it was me who dreamt about those things I would've freaked out too." 

"You know what I dreamt about?" He asked, looking a bit flustered. 

"Yeah. You talked, love. Well...screamed, actually." 

He looked at his lap. "I'm sorry, Lou." 

"For what, waking me?" 

He nodded weakly. 

"Yeah...and making you nervous. And don't say you weren't 'cause I could tell." 

"Of course I was nervous when you screamed and couldn't breathe, love. That's nothing to be sorry about, though. I love you, y'know...I would rather be awake to take proper care of you. You deserve to be taken care of." I gently ran my hands down his back. His eyes lifted to meet mine. 

"I...I love you. I really, really love you." 

I blushed under his gaze that was suddenly intense with emotion. I held it calmly. "I really, really love you too." 

His lips curled up into a small smile, private. I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't know if that was okay after a dream like that. He'd seemed to fragile. 

"How did you know what to do?" He asked suddenly. 

"Do what?" 

"The breathing, the bath,the tea?...The movie?" He breathed, and buried his face against my neck again.  
I felt him breathe in deeply, and smiled into his curly mop of a hair. 

"I don't know...I just...tried my best? So I did okay,then?" I was suddenly nervous about having done something he didn't want or like. 

"Perfectly. What kind of question is that, even? It was exactly what I needed. I've...I've had them before. The nightmares. But only when I've been alone." 

I didn't really want to know how that'd gone, but felt I had to.  
"How've you handled them?" 

"I haven't." Harry stated.

I nodded and bit my lip. "Do you want to talk about it? I...I was going to wait to ask you anything until tomorrow. I don't want to make you upset again." I explained quietly.

"I'm not sure...I feel so much better, almost completely like normal actually...If I'd been alone I'd be exhausted for days on end.." 

I sighed into his hair and pulled him just a little bit closer. "Perhaps we shouldn't disturb that then. We'll talk about it tomorrow, yeah? You can tell me all about it, if you want."

He nodded and I felt a sweet kiss being pressed into my neck.  
"Can we sleep out here on the couch, Boo?" Harry asked timidly. 

"Sure we can. Want me to get the duvet and the pillows?"  
He grinned and nodded again. 

"Hold on, babe." 

We settled there and put on another movie, Titanic this time. We fell asleep in the early morning hours, and slept well into the late PM. 

 

HARRY POV

I woke up around two o'clock, a little bit puzzled about why I was on the couch at first, before I remembered the previous events. I looked down on Lou's adorable sleeping face. One hand tucked underneath his cheek. Breathing steady. Looking at him made me breathless, as clichè as that might sound. He was so good to me. So kind. I'd never met anyone as kind as Louis. Never had anyone who took care of me, who shook me out of my personal hellish nightmare, ran me a bath and asked me what kind of tea I wanted to drink and which movie I wanted to watch, all of it in the middle of the night. Never, ever, ever had anyone who loved making me a trembling mess on the matress. Lou was selfless. And the most astounding part of him was that he loved *me*. He thought better of me than I deserved. He always saw the best in me. He thought I was amazing and talented and would do anything to hear me sing at any given moment. 

Nick used to tell me to shut my trap. He came to my gigs, sure. But he never paid attention. I remebered the first time I'd gotten asked to play warm up for Ed Sheeran. I'd yet to break it to Lou that I actually had kind of a name back in London, and that me and Ed had hit it off quite well, to be honest, and ended up being proper friends. Through him I'd met alot of important people. I remember being so exited I could barely breathe with it, and being almost...proud of myself. 

Nick hadn't even blinked, hadn't asked when it was, or if I was nervous. He'd solemnly agreed to come with after I'd promised him free drinks. And when I looked to him from the stage he was downing a coctail and talking on the phone. It had stung so bad. And I'd ignored it, like I always did when Nick did something hurtfull (And I'd beam whenever he did something nice, which was a rare occurance). Liam had been in the front row, smiling so big. His warm, brown eyes shining with pride. He'd cheered louder than anyone else at that show, and waited with open arms that pulled me into a bearhug as soon as my feet was off that stage.  
"I'm so fucking proud, you're amazing, bro! You're legend. Give me your autograph on my arm, pleaseeee!" I had laughed and hugged him back. Scribbled my autograph on his forearm. A week later it had been tattoed.  
"You'll be famous for that voice of yours, H. I swear on it." Liam had said and patted over his tattoo. "And remember, you were my mate first, 'kay?"  
I'd said "always, Li-Li", and made him tattoo his autograph on my forearm as well. Just because.  
Nick had been too pissed out of this mind to remember anything at all. I had "carried" him into a taxi and sent him off before I went out with a personal invitation from Ed Sheeran himself.

I looked at Lou, and felt the love swell within me, pushing against my ribs. I loved him. I loved him so much I could cry. Silently I got up, so as not to wake him, and then I cooked us pancakes and made two cups of tea, no sugar in Lou's of course, as he didn't really like that. He was just waking up when I was cooking the last pancake. 

"Mmm it smells like a bakery in here..." He said and I laughed, 

"I used to work in one." 

I walked over to him and sat down to run my hand through his fringe. "Breakfast...well lunch, is almost ready. And I made you tea." 

I pecked him on the nose and found myself being nudged down on the couch while Lou wrapped his arms and legs around me. 

"What are you doing, Boobear?" 

"I'm a koala." He'd said simply. And I was so, so in love with him. 

After lunch we just hung around the flat. Lou made me play the guitar and sing. This time I did it only to make him happy. And because I'd missed playing so much. And because Lou thought I was *good*...and that felt beyond incredible. I felt like my old self, only better. When I had played through a few songs, and Louis' jaw had about hit the floor, I told him about London, and my aquaintances...about being buddy with Ed Sheeran, and having dined with Taylor Swift. 

"What?! Are you freaking serious?" He exclaimed. 

I nodded slowly, studying his face, gauging his reaction. 

"So all this time I've been dating a freaking celeb and you didn't even think to tell me?" He faked a hurt expression and slapped me playfully on the cheek.

I giggled. "I guess so...maybe...though I'm not a celebrity, I just hang with the right crowd...kinda..." 

"Tha' is sick, Hazza. I'm so proud of you." 

"You are?" It sounded strange to my ears. 

"Of course. So proud. You're so talented, Harry. I've never ever met anyone like you, y'know. Didn't you ever think that maybe you *could* become famous for your music? Proper famous, like?" 

I blushed and shrugged. "Lots of guys sing and play, though." 

"Yeah, but...none of them are you. You don't see, or hear yourself clearly, love. Not in the slightest. And I'm not sayin' that because you're my boyfriend. If only I could make you see what I see. All your beauty, and all that talent...you should be proud of yourself, too y'know?" 

I just stared at him. The love was bursting again. I was vaguely aware of making a sound in the back of my throat, before I brought a hand behind his neck and pulled him into a bruising kiss. Lou made a suprised sound but melted into it, kissing back so vigorusly I lost the feeling in my toes and fingers. 

"Can I tell you something?" I asked when we finally pulled away. He said "of course, love. Whatever you want." And I told him about Nick's indifference to my music, and how it had hurt, how I'd always supressed it. About Liams enthusiasm, my name tattoed on him and his on me. Lou listened and smiled warmly when he studied Liams name on my forearm. It felt so good to let it out, and have someone actually care about how it had all felt like inside me, and just listen to what *I* had to say for once. 

"Did Liam tattoo your autograph on himself?" Lou asked after a while. 

"Mm, he's an artist." 

"Did he do any of the others?" 

I smiled and nodded. "All of them." 

Lou beamed and let his fingers trace along some of them. 

"Did he draw them as well?" His hand stroke the butterfly's wings. 

"Oh, no, I did." 

Louis fingers came to an abrubt stop and he froze, turning sharply towards me. 

"Hold on. *You* have drawn all of your tattoos?" Louis eyes went wide. 

"Um...yes?" 

"are you kidding me?!" 

"Um, no?...why would I kid you about that?..." I didn't really understand his bewildernment. 

"Harry, these are amazing, like really, really beautiful-" He gestured to my inked body, and shook his head as if in disbelief, "I'm stariting to wonder if there is anything at all you can't do..."

I didn't really know what to say. I'd never thought about it, the tattoos. It'd just always been like that, I'd sketch and bring it to Liam who inked it permanently into my skin. 

"Let me look at em' closer." Lou requested. 

"Who did yours?" I asked, suddenly curious. 

"Uh, my mate Stan drew the font, I chose the wording, and one of my sisters boyfriends..well ex-boyfriend now, worked as an assistant in the tattooparlor-shop, got me a good deal..." 

"Where's it from...the saying?" 

"Uh, it's from a song by Lifehouse that's named exactly that. "It is what it is." 

I grinned and nosed along the words. Kissed his bare shoulder. looked up at him. "I could make you another...if you'd like." I whispered. 

"Would you, really? I want it I want it I want it!" 

I laughed as Lou bounced up and down on the couch like a little kid. "I would." 

Louis was wailing with exitement. Adorable, honestly. 

\----  
A few weeks later I'd made my first trip to the store all alone without panicking *at all*, which was a huge milestone, and I'd just come back.  
I heard Lou turn on the shower. After about a minute I heard something, and perked my ears to hear it clearer. 

Wait, what? 

He was singing. Like most people do in the shower...I guess...but...that voice did not belong in a shower. That voice belonged...

"To long we've been denying...  
now we're both tired of trying,  
we hit a wall and we can't get over that...  
nothing left to relive it's water under...the bridge,  
you said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is..." 

...On a stage.

I was frozen in front of the bathroomdoor, I knew he'd stop if he knew I was eavesdropping. I suddenly noticed my mouth was hanging open. Looks like I wasn't the only one not owning up to my potential. Damn it, my boyfriend had a good voice...

I stood here for a good three minutes while he sang the song that was the origin of his tattoo. That voice. Husky, but smooth, so clear, powerful...  
Goosebumps raised on my arms, and I was suddenly so turned on I got a bit dizzy. My mind was set on one thing, and one thing only, and that was to take this beautiful boy apart, right now. He was still singing with *that* voice and I was so painfully hard that my dick throbbed in my pants and my breath caught in my throat. 

I opened the bathroomdoor quietly and stepped into the steamy room. The showerwalls were foggy as well so he couldn't see me coming. Which was good. I enjoyed the element of suprise. I didn't even bother undressing. I paused with a hand on the knob, Lou was still singing, a different song now, just as beautiful, and so *hot*- enough, I thought, and stepped in quickly, the steam engulfing me. 

 

LOUIS POV

I had my back to the door, and let the hot water run over my back. I was singing, as I often did in the shower. I liked long showers. I loved showers in general. I was very relaxed, just feeling the water calming my muscles. 

Out of nowhere big hands gripped my hips and a large body latched onto my back. I yelped loudly and felt my heart skip a few beats, before my rational brainfunction told me it was just Haz, of course. 

"Jesus, you scared me, babe." I said. Harry pressed his face against the back of my neck and grinned, before kissing me there. I took a shuddering breath.  
"Not that I'm not pleased - I am-, but what are you doing in the shower?" I chuckled and Harry laughed with me, chest pressing tighter agains my back. 

I felt he had clothes on, and was puzzled. 

"It's quite simple." He said. "I just *really* couldn't wait till you got out...." He said huskily and I shuddered through a gasp. 

I was suddenly made aware of his state when he pushed his hips forward. 

"I can tell..." I smirked. 

Harry nosed along my throat, and before I could turn around to kiss him-like I was planning to-he sucked onto the spot beneath my ear and my mind went blank. I heard my groan echo around the shower. He licked at my ear hotly, laving it with his tongue. 

"God...hazza..." I said and his breath ghosted over my wet skin, he bit down on my shoulder slightly. 

"Seems like you forgot to tell me you could sing like a fucking god." Harry's voice was low and intense, his hands travelled up my torso, grazing my nipples which were hard as rocks allready, and pulled me even tighter to him. I failed to contain my moan. 

"I-I didn't know I..." I was stuttering, arousal building up quickly. 

"But you do." He rasped and sucked on my neck. My knees went weak. 

"Fuck...." I whispered and turned around swiftly, so that I was facing him. His eyes were clouded with lust, his chest was heaving, he had me in a corner, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 

"That's exactly what I had in mind, actually." 

Normally I would have laughed at his wittiness, but I was too horny to be humored. 

He crashed his body onto mine with a thud and shoved his tongue past my lips that were allready opening on instinct, to let him ravish my mouth. I'd never experienced quite this side of Harry. Possessive, urgent, dominant, but loving all the same. Normally a situation like this would make me panick, but not with Harry. I felt nothing but safe. 

He had me pressed against the shower wall, leg pressed between my thighs, tongue taking the very daylights out of me. I was moaning hopelessly into the hot cavern of his mouth. Clutching his biceps with my hands. 

"Oh...god...fuck..." I whined when he ran his hands down my damp back to grab my arse and pull me up and in. "Harry-please-..." I broke off into a moan, and instead of trying to finish my scentence, I let my hands sneak under his soaked teeshirt and tug at it with all my might. I needed it off. 

"Fuck, so hot, Lou, you're so fucking good..." He whined and let me tug the shirt off. I relished in the perfectness in front of me. Roamed my hands down his torso, taking in his inkspots, his scars, abs, and his hipbones peaking through at the top of his jeans- speaking of jeans, 

"Need you, I need you, please, please, please-" I chanted as I tore open the button with a quick flick of trained fingers, and before he could stop me - not that I believe he would want to- I dropped to my knees, exliting a gasp from Harry, and nosed along the skin at the top of those fucking trousers. 

"Fuck, Lou..." He cracked, sounding far gone allready. 

I kept eyecontact as I breathed through the material and took the zipper in between my teeth, and eased it over him. I had to use some strength, he was pushing way out of those flies, and he wasn't exactly small. At all. 

"Ah, christ, Lou...you'll be the death of me-I swear..." He got cut off by a moan when I grabbed his arse through the jeans and yanked them down his hips in a swift move. I dragged my fingers along the rim of the material and pulled it down further, just so I could lick the tip of his cock through his briefs. He made a constricted noise that sounded like "oh my god" only not coherent at all. 

"Let me take these off. Now." I said harshly and Harry moaned loudly and let me peel the wet, tight denim down his smooth legs until he could step out of them. 

"Ugh, Lou...Lou..." He drawled and his hands willed me back up, where his mouth was waiting to make me breathless again. he backed me up tight agains a wall and kissed me firm and deep. He pressed the lower half of his body to mine and ground down. I hissed into his mouth, and felt my knees buckle under the arousal. Before I could collect my thoughts again, Harry was on his knees. Lips ghosting down my happy-trail, big hands holding my hips tightly, breath fanning out over the head of my dick. I keened high in my throat as he teased me, letting his lips lightly touch here and there, licking firm sircles on my hipbone, sucking on my hipbone, and so dangerously close to my throbbing member. When those green eyes bored into mine beneath his curly fringe, a mischevious grin on rosy lips, I couldn't take it anymore. 

"Harry...please please please *please*..." 

"Please what?" He hummed agains my skin and I failed to hold back the choked noise I'd been holding back. 

"Ghn....everything, something...*anything*, just *please*..." I pleaded him with hooded eyes to just fucking do something before I properly lost my mind here. He quirked a perfectly full, strait eyebrow and sucked me all the way into his mouth, in one go. 

I'd been given quite a few blowjobs in my lifetime. But Harry...I wasn't sure how he did it. It was just so...painfully good. He was completely out of this world. He was - 

"Jesus fucking ahh....born to - suck cock...oh fuck!" I moaned and Harry grinned , (who even manages to GRIN while giving head?)...He dug his tongue into the slit at the tip and a sob erupted from me, bouncing off the walls. 

The firm suction and delicious swirl of his tongue was pushing me fast towards the edge. 

"Harry...Harry-if..god...I'll come if y-you don't st...ahhh, oh fuck...I'm so close..." I felt like I couldn't pull enoug oxygen. Harry pulled off with a loud *Pop* and licked his lips seductivly. It would have been a cliche and amusing move on anyone else, but on Harry it was nothing short of fucking hot. I was heaving for breath, trying not to fall down, my legs were shaking. I held onto Harrys shoulders and tried to regain some kind of control. It was a poor chance.  
We were both completely winded. Harry rested his forehead and the tip of his nose against mine. His big hands cupped my face on either side. I trusted my legs enough to let go of Harry's shoulders and snake my arms around his narrow waist. The feeling of wet skin had my blood pumping hard. His hands slid from my jaw up to knot themselves in my hair. I pulled him firmly to my body and in return my face was being pulled in and my lips were captured in a searing kiss. A smooth tongue probed its way past my lips and teeth, and I parted my lips to let him. My skin was on fire, my mouth was blazing, my hands were shaking with it. 

"Harry....." My breath huffed between kisses. He pulled away for a second to lock those emerald, bottomless pits on my face. 

"Take me...please..." Was what I heard myself say. 

I'd never bottomed before. Harry knew. I'd told him. I hadn't told him *why* just yet, though. Still, I wasn't afraid to take this step with him. Just because it was *Harry*. 

"Lou...are you...are.." His breath was hitching, making him stutter a bit. 

"I...I want you. I need you." Even I could hear my own desperation in my strained voice. Harry's eyes were wide as saucers, and almost completely dark with lust. He looked hesitant and wondering, and so so beautiful. Shit. His hands roamed my naked, wet skin and I moaned shamelessly. His eyes slid shut as he leaned down to suck a harsh mark onto my neck, adding to his little collection. My knees buckled and my head lolled back to rest against the wall. Then I was being wrapped up in Harry and pulled from the shower, out into the steamy bathroom and further into our bedroom where Harry carefully backed up until he hit the bed and let us fall back, his hands braced around my waist to absorb the impact. 

"You don't...have to do...it if-...if you're nervous, babe..." Harry reassured me with firm kisses and caressing hands. I smiled into his mouth. 

"I want to." 

he scrutinized my face for any sign that I was not telling the truth. When he didn't find whatever he was searching for, he nodded. Slowly. Like only Harry could. 

"Okay...yeah...okay babe," he whispered and kissed down my upper body.  
The previous grin was effectivly wiped off my face as soon as those soft lips explored my hiparea, nipping at the soft skin. 

"Hhh...." I'd meant to say 'Harry' but the lower his lips travelled, the less articulant I became. He flipped me over on my stomach and a low growl-like sound rolled off his tongue as he grasped my arse to spread me wide. I gasped. 

"Look at you...spread so wide for me....beautiful, Lou...,so...beautiful.." He muttered as he took me in. I moaned helpelessly. I'd never known words alone could turn me on this way. Before I could pull anything together his hot breath gohsted over me and his slick tongue lapped expertly at my enterance. 

"Harry!" I yelped. Not even embarassed about how high-pitched the sound was. Because that *feeling*...  
I wasn't in contact with my substancial self. I was floating. Melting under his mouth and tongue. Melting and seeping out of myself and floating around in the air. 

"Are you okay, baby?" He whispered, monitoring how I was doing, seeing as I'd never done this before. 

"No..." I chuckled, and Harry froze for a second, obviously scared that was the end of my scentence.  
"- I'm fantastic." He licked firmly against me again. I wailed. Yes, wailed. There was nothing else to *do*. Not with the love of my life's tongue licking the living daylights out of my very being. 

"Don't...please don't stop.." Harry moaned long and deep against the sensitive skin, sending vibrations into my body. 

"Wouldn't dream..of it..." He panted and continued until I was sobbing, tears running down my face, my whole body shaking. 

"Jesus fucking christ. you're so perfect babe. You're my perfect boy...just my boy..." 

I buried my face in the pillow and dry-sobbed at the words falling from his redswollen lips. His boy. I was his boy. He was *mine*. 

"Yeah...just yours..." I moaned into the air, my mind completely gone. 

"I'll be careful. Promise. I won't hurt you. Tell me if it hurts." He mumbled and grabbed the lube form the sidetable. The blood was rushing in my ears. I wasn't even nervous. At all. 

"I need you in me." I stated, and pleaded with teary eyes for him to hurry the fuck up before I lost my mind. Harry bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut as he slicked his painfullooking dick up. Watching his own hands slide over himself was possibly one of the hottest things I'd ever seen. 

"Ready, sweetie?" Harry asked while lining up. 

"Yes, god, yes I've never been more ready..." I strained my neck to capture his lips in a sweet kiss. He sighed into it. Hands clasping my hips underneath me. 

"I trust you." I said. I knew he was worried about me being in pain. I wasn't. 

"I love you." He answered and pushed himself in slowly. 

The air in my lungs froze and I tensed for a second, before I made myself relax. It stung a little bit, but not as bad as I'd expected. His tongue had worked me open quite well. The feeling of being filled up this way was inexplainable. Amazing. And it was *Harry*. Harry was filling my body to the brim. I moaned obnoxiously loud when he pulled out a bit to snap his hips forward and thrust into me. The pleasure kept building and building with every thrust of his hips. The sound of Harry's deep moanes resonated in my ears, his damp skin slid in rythm against mine, his large body was encasing me in safety and lust and ohmygodwhat- 

"Oooohhhhhfuckkkk!" The scream fell out of my mouth involuntarily as he hit just right.. My muscles clenched tight and Harry moaned and stuttered brokenly. 

"Moremoremore..." He hit the spot again, at an even better angle, and I thought I was going to combust. We were both being hurled towards the edge, and when we came, it happened simontaneously, with shocking force. This orgasm was something of a magnitude I'd never experienced before. Our movements staggered and our yells of pleasure rang around the room. Harry wrapped one arm around my waist and stroke me in time with our thrusts, my eyes widened impossibly and every muscle I had clenched horribly. Harrys other arm locked itself around my thigh while he panted "oh god, oh god, oh god," We held eachother there for a few moments. Then Harry rolled over and fell down beside me, pulling me tight to his sweaty chest. I nuzzled into his arm, fighting to regain my breath while slowly decending back down to earth. 

"Holy fucking shit Harry." I sighed contently. His laugh bubbled through his lips. 

"Yeah...holy fucking shit." 

"I...didn't know..." I mumbled... 

"What didn't you know, love?" Warm lips kissed my cheek. 

"I didn't know sex could ever be this good...not just...right now, but like...with you...y'know..it's so amazing...every time.I didn't know it could be like that..." I whispered by the end of it, hiding my face in harry's shoulder. 

"I know. I didn't know either. At all. Nick was never...he was never...it was never really for me, any of it." He stuttered that last part, and I looked at him. 

"What...?" 

Harry turned his gaze to the matress. 

"Harry?...Did he...did he like..use you, love?" I asked carefully. Stroking his cheek. He nodded sadly, and couldn't look me in the eye. 

"I thought I loved him. I thought *he* loved *me*. But it wasn't...that wasn't love...That was him using me for his own pleasure." 

"Oh sweetheart. Harry." I said, wanting his eyes. When he gave them to me, they were glassy with tears, his face was unreadable. 

"What's wrong, love?" 

He shool his head, a brighter grin making its way to his face, lighting his eyes, looking all the way into my soul. 

"I'm *so* in love with you, Louis." tears spilled over and tracked down his face like little rivers. I kissed them away. Kissed his lips, his eyelids, his nose, between his brows, his temples, his hairline, his chin, everywhere I could reach. 

"I'm so* in love with you, too, Harry." Harry's arms enveloped me in a harry-hug and i breathed in the scent of him. "Only mine...my boy...mine." 

\---

A little while later I decided to ask about what Harry had meant about Nick using him for pleasure. 

"Harry." 

"I don't like the sound of that...." He could tell I was serious. 

"Harry." I repeated and stared him down. He was going to tell me about this whether he wanted to or not. 

"Okay okay okay..." He said and motioned for me to come closer. I snuggled into his side and wrapped my arms around his middle. 

"What did you mean earlier...about..." I trailed off. 

"About nick." He stated. 

I nodded and fought off the cold feeling spreading in my gut. Harry sighed heavily. 

"Remember when I first told you about...you know..." 

"Mm..." 

"I told you he hadn't hit me before that, right?" 

"Mm..." 

"I guess that's only half-true. Or...like...he didn't like..punch. Before that. But. Um..." 

"Hazza..." I carded my fingers through his curly fringe to make his words come easier. 

"It's hard to explain, but...I guess...you know, Nick was nothing like you, Lou. He...he didn't care about anyone but himself. And I didn't see that. Or I did eventually...but...okay do you know what made me see?" Harrys eyes were wide and green and honest, staring down into mine. I shook my head slowly from side to side. 

"After I played for you for the first time." His cheeks were painted a delectible red as he said this, and I smirked. 

"That is the only - the ONLY- time anyone has ever done anything for me with the only intention to make *me* feel good...that's the most unselfish anyone has ever acted towards me...and..." Harry looked down and huffed, as if the words were stuck. 

"it's allright, love. Take your time, yeah... Y'know, I did that because I wanted to do that for you....and that's normal in most relationships, that *should* be normal." 

Harry blinked, and looked thoughtful. "It wasn't, though...with nick. I mean it was still one sided, but the other way 'round. Not that I, never..erm..enjoyed any of it, I did, sometimes...bu'...that was never...his intention." he finished heavily.

I felt the cold spread in me again, as well as sadness and anger. 

"A-and he wasn't gentle and caring like you are, Lou...He was...careless and brutal...and rushed, and not in a good way." I felt harry's irratic heartbeat underneath my palm that rested on his chest. 

"Oh, harry..." I sighed and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. 

"You make me realise a lot of things, Lou...things I thought to be normal...but turns out isn't...and things I thought were horrible is exactly the opposite..." 

"Like what sweetheart?" 

"Like..." Harrys eyes travelled over my face and his eyes caught mine. "Like that it's okay to not be okay. And that sleeping on the couch isn't a crime and sometimes is really cozy and nice...And that it's really not a big deal if I spill milk on the floor-" 

I remembered a few days back Harry had dropped his cup of milk all over the floor and it had splashed on my calves. He had looked completely horrified, and a little...scared...then he had apolagized so furiously that I'd had to press him agains the counter, tell him it was extremely okay and kiss him for about ten minutes until he relaxed in my arms. 

"-and that one-sided-sex isn't and act of selfishness by the one recieving it, but an act of love, and today you made me see that sometimes I can be the dominant one and have that be okay as well...I've never...you know, Nick would always be the one on...anyway, or that it isn't normal to get slapped in the face for leaving the toiletseat up, or getting choked if you lay down on the wrong side of the bed..." 

So *that's* where his notoriois habits came from. His relationship with Nick had clearly had way more issues than I'd fathomed. I stared sadly into his eyes, and he went on. 

"also, I've learnt that...that...it's fine for me to sometimes...feel proud of myself. Especially with music. Nick used to get real annoyed with me whenever I sang or practiced at home. He just didn't get it. Didn't get me. And then there's you, dropping your jaw all over this place whenever I open my stupid mouth. And it feels so *good*, Lou...you have no idea-" His eyes were a little teary and suddenly his voice cracked a bit and tears spilled over. 

"Oh baby, come here sweetie. It's okay. It's okay. I love you, Harry." 

He snuggled into my embrace and kissed my neck gently, wetting the skin with tears, gentle sobs rocking through him. He kept a lot bottled in, he did. He'd been through so much. And he'd been alone through it. Exept for Liam of course. (I was SO going to meet him.) I let him cry into my shoulder and whispered sweet nothings into his curly hair. 

"I can't believe how much you've been through, Haz. How many twisted ideas that horrible man put in your head..." 

"Doesn't ma'tter..." He hiccuped against my neck. 

"But it *does*...it matters to me. I need you to be okay." 

Harry's warm breath huffed against my skin, making me shiver. "Oh, Lou...I am. I've got you." 

"Yeah, you do." I tightened my hold on his torso. Harry moved so that he was on top of me and nuzzled even closer into my chest. I chuckled. 

"Hey, Lou?" 

"What's that, hazza?"

Harry hesitated for a moment. 

"When are you going to tell me about why and how you know what panic feels like?" 

I was taken aback by his question. It wasn't something I liked to think about. Actually, I didn't like to think about this at *all*. 

"Um....well....I....don't know." I hated how my voice stuttered. Harry lifted his head to look at me. Could he see staight through me like I thought he could? 

"You're scared." 

Guess that was my answer. 

I was motionless. Then I nodded. One sharp nod. 

"I know, Lou. I know it's scary. You know I'm here to listen, right? Telling you...it has really been helping me. A lot. So if you want to tell me too, I'm all ears. And if you don't want to tell me, then that's perfectly fine too." 

Wetness welled behind my eyes, but I forced it back with a shuddering breath. "You're amazing, do you know that?" 

"Well, thank you sweetie. You are too. Twice as." 

I scoffed fondly and kissed him soft and slow. Savoring the taste of his lips. The smell of his freshly washed hair, with a few drops of curl defining serum, and the clean cotton candle burning on the sidetable. He was so. Perfect. 

"I want to." 

Harry scrutinized my face. "You don't have to, Lou. I was just-" 

"I know you wouldn't push me, Harry. I want to do this. I mean it. I promise." 

Harry trusted my word on that. 

"Brave, brave Louis." He said and kissed my cheek. I blushed. 

"okay...I don't exactly know where to start...um..." Harry watched me intently. "I....I wasn't quite honest about why I left england." 

"Okay." Was all Harry said and waited for me to proceed. 

"I left to get away from someone." 

"Who?" 

I closed my eyes. Not wanting to let these thoughts in. I had trained them to stay out. 

"My uncle." 

Harry blinked, and his hand that had been stroking my skin froze. I could feel them now, the memories seeping back into my brain. 

"And why did you have to do that, Lou?" Harry's voice was shaking a bit, as if he was nervous to hear the answer. Perhaps he allready knew what it was going to be. 

I was frozen. The words I were about to say got stuck and disappeared, my mind went fuzzy. I blinked. Stared at Harry's hands on my skin, stared at the texture of his own skin, tried so desperately to snap myself back by consentrating on those hands and that skin and I knew I was slipping already and this was a bad idea to even try - no I had to try for Harry. Had to. Couldn't. I was falling deeper and deeper and everything was dark even though I had my eyes open. It felt as if my lungs were being squeezed by an ironfist. Iron hands,hands of steel, dirty hands...hands clasped around my moutht to keep me quiet...make the dirty, bad boy silent,because he deserved it...Suddenly I was so filled with terror I couldn't even breathe anymore, and I was going to die. I was alone and I was dying.

A strange noise worked itself past the deafness in my ears. Shhhhhhhhhhh. shhhhh. shhhhh. Okay...okay...breathe Louis. Come on.. 

"Come on sweetie, breathe, you have to breathe, Lou please." 

Harry's pleas broke through my defenses and I drew a ragged breath that made my chest hurt. I latched myself onto his voice and held on for dear life. Harry Harry Harry. 

"Like that, yeah. Another. Like you taught me, remember? In...that's it, hold it. Hold...okay and out slowly..." 

Harry did exactly what I had done the first time he had panicked in front of me. I knew he was trying to help me. So I followed his breathing and started to feel a little bit better. 

"That's a good boy...shhh....relax. You're safe. I promise. S'just me. Just Harry...you know me Lou, you know you're safe. Feel this-" he put one of my shaking hands on his heart so I could feel it beat and feel his calm breaths, and then he tightened his arm around me, "-Feel that? It's just me. He's not here. He's not going to hurt you. S'just your hazza, who loves you." 

His words were like a lullaby, soothing my erratic heartbeat and the terror started to leave my system. I made my hand move carefully to clasp around one of Harry's, to let him know that it was working. His thumb stroke light sircles on the back of my hand and he continued his mantra. 

"It's all good, Lou, I know what happened, I understand, no need for words or horrorstories. I know. Come back to me..." 

Come back, Louis. Come on. Huh? Come back from where? I was here, wasn't I? Okay maybe I quite wasn't. But my mind was clearing up quickly now. 

"Harry..." I whimpered, curling further into his chest and breathing in the familliar scent. Harry hummed and tightened his arms around my shoulders. 

"Relax baby, nothing to be scared of here...it's just you and me..just you and me.." 

And I was back. The tighness in my chest eased off. I didn't dare open my eyes just yet, though. Just in case it was all an illusion. 

"I'm fine...I think...it's okay, I'm okay.." I whispered and took deep breaths that filled me with safety and home and harry. 

"Look at me." He whispered. 

I raised my head. Harry wasn't just pale, he was white. Guilt twisted in my stomach. Harry's hands gently touched my face, my shoulders, carded gently through my hair, as if checking for physical damage. 

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to..." 

"Don't you dare apolagize, Lou. None of that." Harry assured with a loving, firm voice. "tell me what you need." He pressed gentle kisses where he could reach. 

I smiled despite myself, and melted further against his smooth, pale skin. 

"You." 

Harry chuckled, relieved. "You've got me." 

He held me for a while, whispering praises that fell naturally onto his tongue. After a while I raised my head again to look at him. He was still as white as the sheets. 

"Hey..." I muttered and placed a cool hand om his cheek. We stared into each others eyes for a moment. "I'm okay. I promise." I said. 

Harry scrutinized my face. 

"Promise." I whispered again, and to prove how okay I actually was, I leaned in and genlty placed my lips to his. He sighed into my mouth, and I felt his tense muscles unclench. 

"God..." He whispered into our shared air. 

"Told you." I grinned. 

"Love you. Love you to pieces...love you so much.." He whispered while placing little kisses on my lips over and over. I smiled at my heart threatening to explode and said I loved him twice as much. 

"It's been a long time since I've had one." Harry knew what I was talking about. He nodded. 

"That was scary. I've never seen someone else have one. It looks how it feels, though..." He said, and I agreed. He was still a bit pale for my liking.

"I know you said don't say sorry but..." 

"And I meant it. There's nothing to be sorry about, baby." 

"But you're scared." 

"No I'm not..." 

"Harry..." 

"It was just a bit scary to see you so gone and-" Harry stottered and looked down. Still pale. 

"Oh, sweetheart." I cooed. "I know. Okay? I get scared when you panick too. It's a scary thing. But I'm not panicking anymore, see?-" 

I made him look me in the eye. 

"- And I'm not going to. I was just unprepared and I've been *so* good at locking it all up that when I let those memories...free...I just..." Harry's eyes fell closed. 

"You're okay? You promise?" 

"I promise. Don't be scared, Hazza." 

The sound of his nickname made his face break out into an adorable little smile, and his colour was returning to normal. 

"You tired, sweetheart?" Harry asked and caressed my jaw as if I was made of glass. I shook my head, no. I didn't really want to sleep right now. 

"I feel a bit down, though...don't wanna be sad." I pouted. 

"Course you do, babe...I kinda' do too...you know what, I think we both need a pick-me-up." 

I grinned and glanced expectantly at my perfect, lovely boy. 

"We could bake applecake and make hot cocoa and watch a rom-com, to celebrate autumn for all it's worth?" Harry suggested, and I cheered like a little child, I was well aware, 

"Yes yes yes yes! Please can we really do that? Pleeeeease!" The suggestion was so amazingly appealing to me. 

Harry laughed and nodded, then I jumped off the bed and threw Harry a soft longsleeved shirt and the worn sweatpants he adored. He watched me while I put on a similar attire. 

"What'ch you looking at?" 

"You?" 

"Why?" I whined, just joking with him. 

"I don't need a reason. I could stare at you forever, Lou." 

I blushed and motioned for him to come over to where I was waiting in the doorway. Harry walked up to me slowly, almost careful with his steps, and dipped his head down to capture my lips in a slow, lingering kiss, that sent shivers down my whole body. Just like that. I had trouble letting him pull back. 

"If I let you near the kitchen, promise to do what I tell you to, so we don't burn the house down..." Harry whispered against my lips. I was nearly getting aroused by his demand, because that slow-drawl-voice of his...jesus. 

"Promise. Maybe I'll just watch you bake...actually, yeah, I'll do that...I can wash up after." 

Harry didn't reply. Just kissed me again. A bit firmer, slower, more feeling poured into it. A little sound escaped me. I couldn't help it. 

"If...you want me to...be able to do anything...you might..hhh..wanna...ss.." I gave up speaking when he latched his lips onto the skin on my throat and kissed upwards slowly, while pushing me through the door and into the kitchen. I caught onto the counter and Harry pressed me up agains it, mouthing at my neck, my ear, tugging at my lower lip. 

"The things you do to me, Styles." I half moaned into the dim lit room. Warm breath ghosted over my lips. 

"Sorry. I just can't control myself around you." Harry whispered roughly. "Tell me if you want to stop." 

I almost laughed at the stupid notion. Stop? 

"And why on earth would you think..I'd want to stop?..." 

Harry shrugged and leaned forward, pushing me into the counter a bit more. Lips hovering over mine that were begging to be proparly kissed. I whined when he didn't immidiately do so. 

"I don't want to make anything worse..." He suddenly muttered. 

"Are you still concerned about the panickattack?" 

Harry's eyes were full of lust, but also a smidge of concern. He nodded slowly. I sighed and smirked, saying: 

"Do you *know* how lovely you are? Do you have the slightest *clue* as to how much I love you..." 

He shook his head 'no'. 

"So much it feels like my heart could implode in on itself sometimes...or burst out of my chest. That's what I'm feeling right now. So...don't you worry about me. I'm perfect. I've you. You could never...-" 

I bit his trembling lower lip carefully, tugging at it, sliding my tongue teasingly over the rough but silky skin. His breath hitched in his throat, his eyes intently locked in my face. 

"-ever...make anything worse in any way..." I finished. 

His eyes slipped closed, and he let out a constricted noise, surging forward to finally properly kiss me. we did this for quite a while. I lost track of time. It wasn't even with the intent of doing anything sexual, it was just for the sake of it. Just because it felt so good to just, well, kiss. It was about knowing each others mouths so well, and knowing just how to move and where to nibble and when to pull back to leave the other wanting more. It was a game of give and take where both of us gave it our all and took mercilessly. At one point Harry scooped me up to sit on the counter so he could stand in the V between my legs, and I locked my ankles together behind his back to pull him as close to me as possible. It wasn't rushed, or impatient, it was just firm and constant and blazing, like the sun. Just like Harry, I thought. Harry was like the sun.  
After we managed to pull apart for more than five seconds, we also managed to decide to start on the cake, even though it was almost midnight. We didn't care. No work tomorrow. I stayed on the counter while Harry totted around the kitchen, gently humming what I recognized as Sweet Disposition. He twirled cutly over to the fridge and I chuckled. The dim lighting from the fridge made his skin an iridecent quality. 

"Sing." I demanded. 

He didn't even protest, just looked at me and sang, 

"Sweet disposition, ended too soon...oh, reckless abandon..." 

I hopped down from the countertop, plugged my phone into the I-dock, and put the song on the speakers. Harry sang louder to the music. I looked at my adorable boy in his comfy clothes and curly sex-hair, with redkissed lips, and bright eyes that were glowing in the light and felt my heart thump in my chest. 

"Dance with me, Lou." He said and reached for my hand. Who was I to say no to that?

We danced, rather good if I do say so myself, and I laughed when harry dipped me down low unexpectedly. 

After our little dance-segment (that ended in a laughing-fit when Harry not-so-elegantly-and-totally-on-purpose- tripped us both) we got out the ingredients and I watched Harry cook. It was quite intriguing. Hell, everything about him was. Suddenly Taylor Swifts song "All too well" came on. 

"cause there we are again in the middle of the night, we're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light..." I hummed the lines under my breath. 

Harry chuckled and kissed the tip of my nose. He put the cake in the oven and while I (yes, I) made hot chocolate, Harry went into the livingroom to put on Love Actually (because come on, what else...?) 

It was the most perfect I'd ever had it. I had everything. The panickattack didn't even have a lingering effect like it would have had otherwise. For tonight, those memories didn't phase me. We were cuddled up on the sofa, in the dimly lit apartment, and I was warm from my fingertips to my toes and right into my heart. 

"I could stay like this forever...right here." I whispered and snuggled closer into him. 

"Me too. I love you. I really do." 

"I love you too. Imagine if I hadn't walked past you on the street that day, and been your superman-hero forever-" 

Harry chuckled heartily. 

"-then we might never have even met..." I sighed sadly at the thought, but Harry shook his head and said he believed we would have met anyway. 

"So you think we'd still be right here, like this?" I asked. 

"Mm...I'd like to think so. Call me sappy but I feel like we were meant to be together." 

Okay, he was sappy. I didn't mind. 

"Mm...me too. Just feels too right to not have been supposed to happen all along." 

Harry giggled adorably. I looked at him. Took him in. All of him. He looked back, so completely exposed in every way, letting me rummage in his eyes for every piece of his soul I might want, let me study him closely and intimately. Giving me everything I could ever want and need and more. The sudden urge and want to tell him *everything* was overwhelming, and I set my mind on it immediately. 

"Harry." I said with a firm voice, that might have made him a bit uneasy because of the sudden change of atmosphere. "I can tell you now." 

His eyes widened comically. "L-lou...are you sure? I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with...you don't owe me any-" 

"Haz, shush...Thank you, really, but...I'm sure. I'm 100% sure. I want to. And I can. I won't panick." 

Harry looked unsure about that statement, but steeled himself. "Only if you're sure. And it's okay if you panick, love. If you do, I'm here, so you'll be safe." 

This boy was going to be the death of my emotional stability. 

"What ever did I do to deserve you?" I sighed, and Harry looked at me seriously before planting a very much longed for kiss on my lips before leaning us back, wrapping me up in himself, arms and legs forming a protective cage around us, and turned down the sound on the dvd. I couldv'e cried with how much I loved this boy. Instead, I took a deep - a very deep- breath. 

Here it goes... Here goes keeping this inside forever. Here goes nothing. 

 

HARRY POV

I felt Louis take a very deep breath, as if bracing himself.  
I was nervous, but very very ready to take on whatever load I could from his shoulders. I sort of had figured this out allready, but it was only a suspicion, and I wanted Lou to tell me himself. And now he was about to. I made sure we were touching all the way from the top of us to our toes, and held him as close as humanly possible. Pressed a gentle kiss to the curve of his jaw. Just to convey my complete support and precence. There was a silence. Then.., 

"My uncle sexually abused me for the last four years." 

It felt like my blood turned to ice in my veins, sending sharp pains to my heart. 

"Jesus..." I said. And my throat was thick and my lungs were heavy. Lou drew a shaky breath. 

"That's why I had to move. I just couldn't take it anymore. I love him, but...I just couldn't."

I didn't trust my voice when I said, "Does any one know of this, Louis?" 

He shook his head. "No. I felt I had to protect him because...y'know...his my uncle and all. But not anymore. Being away and getting it into perspective has helped. He doesn't deserve my protection." 

I didn't realise I was crying until I felt the wetness gather on my lips and drip of my cheeks and chin. This time my voice did crack, 

"God, Lou, he doesn't, he doesn't deserve *anything* exept a one way ticket to the pits of hell where he belongs...I can't even...I-I....I'm just so...SO sorry- how can you even...fuck. Sorry."

I was sobbing lightly, almost hugging Louis through my ribcage, trying to bury him inside me so I could keep him hidden and safe from any harm. Louis seemed much calmer than me, silly enough. 

"You have no idea how fucking amazing it is to have someone else know...finally." He siged and turned in my arms to bury his face in the crook of my neck. I just hugged tighter. 

"You are so fucking strong." 

"You make me strong." He answered simply. 

A part of me almost believed the conviction in his voice, but another told me that no, this was all Lou. Only his brilliant strenght. 

"How are you feeling?" I monitored, sniffling. 

"I'm suprisingly okay. No panicking at all. Can I tell you more?...are you up for it?" 

I nodded furiously, "Yes, tell me. Tell me everything. Anything you want. Please let me...let me share the load, Lou. I need to. I want to." 

A very frantic but firm kiss was being placed on my mouth. I kissed back. 

Lou talked for an hour or so. Telling me literally everything. I stayed as silent as I could manage with the array of emotional turbulance I was experiencing. Sudden changes from sadness, love, shock, to overwhelming anger and disgust. Lou's okayeness stayed quite impressively strong throughout the conversation, but he did cry. A lot. So did I. Especially when he told me spesifics about the first time and the *worst* time and the most painful time. Told me about this horrible, twisted being, pinning him down, breaking him open, taking anything he wanted but didn't belong to him, destroying my, MY, beautiful, lovable, amazing, unearthly boy, when he had absolutely no right in *hell* to do so. 

I almost lost it. I had to clench my fists and resist the urge to punch a wall, and remind myself that if this was hard for *me* it must be ten times worse for Louis. I also had to make completely sure that he had never felt scared or anxious about anything sexual with me, without telling me, because* that* I doubt I'd be able to handle. Especially since I hadn't had a *clue* about his until very recently, and couldn't have taken the necessairy precautions... 

Just as my mind went into overdrive Louis assured me that he had NEVER been reminded of those things with me. And that was a relief. Then he told me about this guy he had tried to date that had been way too rough and done things the wrong way, and triggered him badly. 

"If you could just feel my emotional hurricane right now..." I whispered one of the times I was about to lose control of my anger. Lou gave me with this *look* that had my anger floating off into space. Then I declaired my undying love for the tenth time and urged him on. 

"I did go see a therapist for a while, last year, so she does know the basics I guess, and she helped a little, it was her that suggested I move away. But I didn't quite learn to trust her. I didn't trust anybody with anything..." 

Louis really poured all the pieces of his broken self out for me to see, to hold, to care for. To put back together. And I wouldn't want it any other way. Nothing less than all he had to give. It was a rough two hours. For both of us. But at the same time it felt very right and I felt more trusted than ever, and was so thrilled to give Lou the same that he gave me every day. A safety only we could provide one another. 

When all was said, or most of it, I held him in a bonecrushing hug until he was laughing (leave it to Louis to be the one to laugh after confessing being a victim of sexual abuse). I'd looked at him questionally, as if I doubted his sanity. He had just shook his head and said, 

"Believe it or not, but I feel so relieved right now, I would be floating up in the ceiling if you didn't hold me down." 

I had told him I loved him, and that he was amazing and the strongest person I had ever and would ever meet. I didn't detatch my body from his at all while getting ready for bed. I stayed latched onto his back. I just needed to feel that he was *here* and not *there* anymore and that he was okay and that I could protect him. He didn't even ask me about being an inpractical weirdo. 

"I, um, I might have nightmares." He stated, a bit shakily, when we were finally under the covers. 

"I would be suprised if you didn't, Love. Don't worry. You don't need to worry about anything anymore. I know now. I'm going to take care of you. Just like you take care of me every day. Okay? It doesn't matter how bad it gets, I won't even care one bit if you wet the bloody bed. You just go to sleep, Love." 

Louis eyes were wide. "I love you so fucking much. You have .no. idea." 

"but the thing is, I kinda do." I chuckled and motioned for him to turn so I could kiss him. He happily obliged. 

"Good night, sweetheart. I love you." 

"I love you more." 

"Impossible." 

"Nu-uh." 

"Uh-huh." 

we chuckled tiredly at how ridicioulous we were sounding, and fell slowly into much needed sleep. 

 

\--- (still Harry's POV) 

Louis *did* have a nightmare. 

I jolted awake - probably on edge even in sleep - by his whimpers and sobs and restless squirming. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared, though. This I knew how to handle. I shook him gently but firmly awake and was ready when he jerked into a sitting position and realised where he was and that he had indeed had a nightmare. He buried himself in my arms and let me soothe his sobs and dry his tears and kiss his face, and put him back together again. I whispered words of love and words that only made sense to us, and bits and pieces of wise lyrics. Louis had let out a ragged sigh, 

"Can you sing for me...haz?" He clung to me like his life depended on it. 

"Of course, baby. What do you want to hear?" 

"O. That's a calm song." 

I hummed the tune. 

"Flock of birds,  
Hovering above,  
Just a flock of birds,  
That's how you think of love,  
And I always look up to the sky  
Pray before the dawn  
'Cause they fly away  
Sometimes the arrive  
Sometimes they are gone  
They fly on" 

"Your voice is magic." Louis muttered, he was breathing better now. I continued. 

"Flock of birds  
Hovering above  
Into smoke I'm turned  
Rise  
Following them up  
Still I always look up to the sky  
Pray before the dawn  
'Cause they fly away  
Sometimes they arrive  
Next you know they're gone  
They fly on  
Fly on 

So fly on  
Ride through  
maybe one day I'll fly next to you  
Fly on,  
ride through  
Maybe one day I'll come fly with you,  
Fly on  
Fly on"

Fly on.... Louis was breathing like normal now. A small smile playing on his lips. He dried his eyes on the back of his hand and sniffed. "Magic." He said again. And I scoffed. Secretly the pride welled in me. After a while of me kissing him carefully and securely, we were able to fall asleep around halv past four in the morning, in a sleep that proved to be peaceful. 

 

LOUIS POV

I woke up little by litte, and relished in the feeling of Harry's arms wrapped around me securely. His breathing was slow and calm. I sighed contently. How did I ever get this lucky? I turned carefully, as not to wake him, and took my time studying his face. He looked so much younger in sleep. So free of worry and pain and anguish, and if I tried really hard I could almost see Harry as a child, untroubled, brilliant, young...before that...monster...ripped him apart. Scarred his beautiful angelpale skin, made his mind tangle and convince him that the fault was his. I wished with all my heart that I could take all his troubles on my shoulders so he would always look as calm and relaxed as he did now. I studied him a bit more before I decided to wake him. I gently stroke my thumb across his cheek and over his bottom lip, while I whispered in his ear,

"Booo, wake up....c'mon hazzabear, rise and shiiiinee..."  
I giggled when he crinkled his nose cutely and his lips tugged into a loose, sleepy grin under my thumb. His arms tightened around my body and he snuggled into me and hummed. 

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?" His rough morning-voice was like thick syrup, even slower than usual, the most beautiful way to start my day, really. 

"I'm good...I'm perfect, actually. Have I ever told you how adorable you look when you're sleeping, boo?", I giggled. Harry huffed and blushed, 

"No, I think you've left that fact out." 

"Well, you do." I sighed. Harry put a finger under my chin to raise my head. 

"are you sure you're allright?" His eyes were full of concern. 

"Yes." I nodded. 

Harry didn't look convinced, though. I raised my eyebrows at him as a question. 

"Lou, how can you be so okay? You just told me about it *yesterday*, had a panick attack, *and* a nightmare...that's bound to leave a little dent..." 

I sighed, "I know, haz. I do feel a bit tired, and it feels weird that someone else knows...but... It doesn't matter what happens because I go to sleep in your arms and wake up in them, and you make me feel so, SO safe. And more than anything, I'm just relieved...because..." I trailed off, and stared into Harry's brightening eyes... 

"Because?" He pressed, a grin hinting at his lips. 

"Because I'm not alone with it anymore. I'm not lost. Or scared. Or hysterical. Or without purpose... I'm with you, and that's amazing and you're amazing and I love you to bits and by the way, while I'm on a boasting-roll, thank you for being lovely last night with the nightmare...I'm sorry I woke you up. But I needed you. I really did." 

Harry was staring at me, grin streching adorably across his face. Then he hid his face in the crook of my neck and whispered 

"I need you too, you know. I need you to be okay and happy and I need to be there when you're neither of those things." 

"Only you can make me." I whispered back. 

"God, I love waking up to you..." Harry muttered and planted a kiss to my neck. I let out a suddering breath and turned my head so that he had more space. More kisses were placed along my throat, up towards my ear, under my chin...I shuddered. 

"I love...waking up...to you-too...." I stuttered. 

"Say, how okay were you feeling again?" Harry's voice had dropped lower, the next kiss to my neck was firmer. Slower. I gasped and tried to remember how to form a scentence. 

"S-so...okay...completely okay.." I whined as Harry planted further kisses on my skin in a tortureous manner. 

Call me a horny teenanger...hell I *was* a horny teenager for chist sake...I was quite sure Harry could turn most people into horny, horny teenagers again. And Harry was now nibbling and sucking at my pulsepoint, so sue me. 

"then maybe you wouldn't mind....if I..." Harrys hands travelled underneath the duvet and roamed over my body teasingly. I gasped, and pressed out a 

"Please..." And pulled his body down on mine again and pushed up into him. 

"Lou..." Harry sighed into my skin and grazed his lips over my ear. 

I loved waking up to this.


End file.
